you know that ex that you told yourself over and over again would "never, ever ever ever" (s/o to Chris Tucker) get some of you or your goodies again? but then you're like damn, my p**** and his d*** can't be done for good, can they? but you can't really see yourself giving him any after what he did. but then whatever he did wasn't that bad, right? (you know he was slingin that D if this has ever happened to you *sigh*) so you're going thru all these motions in your head. contemplating if you should hit him up for that last time. you don't wanna make that first move tho...
oh, look! a text from him! and he's saying all the nasty perverted ish you were dying to hear from him once more. he knows just what to say to get you to drop them panties, doesn't he? but anywho, now you can go and get it on and you didn't even have to be the one who seemed pressed. (SMH at the games we play, but whatever...) so you make all of the necessary arrangements to hook up with him. make yourself look real good so you can show him what the hell he's been missing and all of that other good stuff, right? yeah. you get there and everything is just the way you remember it. his kiss, his touch, his... oh yeah... that first stroke feels like heaven, and what comes next makes you feel like you are about to lose your mind. why are you mad at this dude again? you forgot about all of the stupid ish he ever did to you cause none of that matters right here and now. then he does that extra freaky ish that y'all only did now and then. this mofo is showing off! gotdammit! he's the best you've ever had and he's about to remind you of that ish right freakin now. why can't he act right and then you could have this all the time, all over again. never mind that ish, let's get back to business. you definitely don't want to ruin the moment because who knows if and when you'll get this again.
ahhhhhh... at last. yeah.
and now, the aftermath. I should get up and go home, right? but this is my favorite place to sleep (besides my own bed). right up under him like when I used to be his. like I've done a million times before. do I kiss him before I leave? we just had our tongues down each other's throats but somehow a simple good-bye kiss seems so much more intimate than that right now. do I say "I'll call you later."? we both know that's not true. I haven't called him in weeks. he hit me up a couple of weeks ago for drinks and I declined. now that we've done the deed, we're both silent. he speaks first, making small talk. I hate how he's so smooth like that. he's interested and is genuinely listening to everything I say but he won't say how he really feels. I'm dying inside, I want to tell him how much I miss him. I feel like I'm going to burst into tears for no real reason. this thing is killing me right now. but I'm not about to let him know that. we've exchanged updates on our loved ones, work, etc. and now there's nothing left to say. I kiss him on the lips and go back home. I call to let him know that I made it home safely, he cracks a joke about me speeding (the usual), and that's it. silence. again. never thought we'd get to this place. it is what it is...
until the next time he calls and says exactly what I like to hear...
Friday, December 16, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
friends for life
my circle is incredibly small. I trust very few people with my heart, my personal business and most importantly my children. I can count on one hand the people that I truly consider my friends. family doesn't count, cause I love all of y'all. even if you've done me dirty. I just won't talk to you anymore LOL, but I'm serious. acquaintances come and go and that's fine. everyone isn't meant to stay in our circle forever. hopefully, whatever purpose there is for them appearing in our lives gets fulfilled and everyone keeps it moving and there are no hard feelings.
so let me tell y'all about my long lost friend who I recently reconnected with. we used to hang tough in high school. we were inseparable. never dated; just besties. school ended and we lost touch for about 10-12 years, but suddenly we find ourselves back in each other's circles and I swear it feels like we have't missed a beat. (SN: this is how you know who your true friends are. I don't have to speak to you everyday or be all up in your face all the time just to ensure that our friendship is genuine or that you have my back. life happens but I'll be here when you need me.) facebook seems to be the root of all evil (LOL) and I have since deleted my account, but imagine my surprise when I saw him comment on a mutual friend's status. "OMG! what have you been up to? how old are your kids? where have you been?" it seemed like I couldn't get my questions out fast enough. all of my memories involving him flooded my mind and I couldn't wait to see him again.
so we've hooked up a couple of times since and have plans to see each other more regularly from now on. the energy he gives is amazing, there's never a dull moment. I love the way he's so open to just say "grab the kids and we can all go". my kind of guy ;) except for the fact that he's my friend. y'all know. that friend of the opposite sex who you'll never cross that line with. It's quite refreshing to spend time with a man who has no ulterior motives for seeing me or spending time with me. a man who lets me be me, and is himself at all times. no need to try to impress the other, cause it ain't even like that. hmmm, didn't even realize how much I actually missed him...
so let me tell y'all about my long lost friend who I recently reconnected with. we used to hang tough in high school. we were inseparable. never dated; just besties. school ended and we lost touch for about 10-12 years, but suddenly we find ourselves back in each other's circles and I swear it feels like we have't missed a beat. (SN: this is how you know who your true friends are. I don't have to speak to you everyday or be all up in your face all the time just to ensure that our friendship is genuine or that you have my back. life happens but I'll be here when you need me.) facebook seems to be the root of all evil (LOL) and I have since deleted my account, but imagine my surprise when I saw him comment on a mutual friend's status. "OMG! what have you been up to? how old are your kids? where have you been?" it seemed like I couldn't get my questions out fast enough. all of my memories involving him flooded my mind and I couldn't wait to see him again.
so we've hooked up a couple of times since and have plans to see each other more regularly from now on. the energy he gives is amazing, there's never a dull moment. I love the way he's so open to just say "grab the kids and we can all go". my kind of guy ;) except for the fact that he's my friend. y'all know. that friend of the opposite sex who you'll never cross that line with. It's quite refreshing to spend time with a man who has no ulterior motives for seeing me or spending time with me. a man who lets me be me, and is himself at all times. no need to try to impress the other, cause it ain't even like that. hmmm, didn't even realize how much I actually missed him...
Monday, November 7, 2011
not good enough
I recently celebrated another bday (28th!) and while it was a joyous occasion for the most part, it also brought to light all of the things I wish I would've accomplished by now. I know, I know... I've been beating myself up about this make-believe list and the fact that I actually feel like certain things have a dead-line in my life. some of it comes from society, but most of it is in my head.
as women, we're told that we should be strong, independent, perfect mothers and partners, and blah blah blah. all of that shit is making me sick right about now. I have to learn that MY life is moving at a different pace because of what has been important to me at different times in my life. I still share a house with my ex's mom. although I co-own it, it might as well be her house. while I have had the money to move a long time ago, I felt like I needed the support since my own mother had moved to LA. with their dad being almost all the way out of the picture, she's the only one who has been a constant right along with me. and while I certainly don't try and take advantage of her, she is a huge help. the downfall? I can't screw in my own damn house. it might not seem like a big deal to some of y'all but shit... I don't out of respect for her, but dammit. I can't wait to get my own damn place. I have made some major adjustments to my budget recently and will be making the move fo' sho in the Spring.
let's talk about my non-existent love life, shall we? so being the full-time mom of those two little ones keeps me drained and entertained fo sho. most guys don't even wanna pursue me any further once I tell them that they, more than likely, won't be coming over my house and that I have little to no time for all the bull. yeah, that's how I sweet talk 'em. LOL. E, who I talked about here, would always feel guilty about taking me from the kids. and while he had no issue with all of us spending time together, he definitely wanted me to himself every now and again. so, as it stands right now, I am single. and yes, I am nearing 30. which has to mean that there is something wrong with me, right? I'm not gonna begin to point you in the direction of all of the articles I have read recently that say "it's your fault that you're single" or something to that effect. *sigh*
moving on. the fact that I just dropped my classes for this semester tho?! man... I thought that I was going to die. it was too much for me. I was having some issues at work, along with everyday stresses and all of it just kinda caught up to me at the same time. one of the stresses had to be removed before I lost it, and school was the one that I could get away from. until the loan bills come thru, that is. maybe I'll get back on track in the Spring, or maybe I won't. shit. I'm just tryna figure all of this out while instilling good values and morals in my children and while maintaining some decency about myself. someone has to be a role model, right?
so, let's recap. I'm 28. I'm someone's baby momma. I live with someone who is like my mother. I'm not getting any. I'm single. and I have no degree. oh well. at the end of the day, I'm just me. one day, I'll have this all figured out, or not.
as women, we're told that we should be strong, independent, perfect mothers and partners, and blah blah blah. all of that shit is making me sick right about now. I have to learn that MY life is moving at a different pace because of what has been important to me at different times in my life. I still share a house with my ex's mom. although I co-own it, it might as well be her house. while I have had the money to move a long time ago, I felt like I needed the support since my own mother had moved to LA. with their dad being almost all the way out of the picture, she's the only one who has been a constant right along with me. and while I certainly don't try and take advantage of her, she is a huge help. the downfall? I can't screw in my own damn house. it might not seem like a big deal to some of y'all but shit... I don't out of respect for her, but dammit. I can't wait to get my own damn place. I have made some major adjustments to my budget recently and will be making the move fo' sho in the Spring.
let's talk about my non-existent love life, shall we? so being the full-time mom of those two little ones keeps me drained and entertained fo sho. most guys don't even wanna pursue me any further once I tell them that they, more than likely, won't be coming over my house and that I have little to no time for all the bull. yeah, that's how I sweet talk 'em. LOL. E, who I talked about here, would always feel guilty about taking me from the kids. and while he had no issue with all of us spending time together, he definitely wanted me to himself every now and again. so, as it stands right now, I am single. and yes, I am nearing 30. which has to mean that there is something wrong with me, right? I'm not gonna begin to point you in the direction of all of the articles I have read recently that say "it's your fault that you're single" or something to that effect. *sigh*
moving on. the fact that I just dropped my classes for this semester tho?! man... I thought that I was going to die. it was too much for me. I was having some issues at work, along with everyday stresses and all of it just kinda caught up to me at the same time. one of the stresses had to be removed before I lost it, and school was the one that I could get away from. until the loan bills come thru, that is. maybe I'll get back on track in the Spring, or maybe I won't. shit. I'm just tryna figure all of this out while instilling good values and morals in my children and while maintaining some decency about myself. someone has to be a role model, right?
so, let's recap. I'm 28. I'm someone's baby momma. I live with someone who is like my mother. I'm not getting any. I'm single. and I have no degree. oh well. at the end of the day, I'm just me. one day, I'll have this all figured out, or not.
Friday, October 28, 2011
someone like you and you and you...
first let me say that I love Adele's "Someone Like You" but moving on...
it has often been said to me that I am the only one to blame for my single status. that I find fault in everyone and everything. that I get annoyed. that I get bored easily. that I don't consider anyone good enough. but more importantly, that I am very unforgiving. (that part is only true if I've given my heart and someone misused it. other than that, if I sense BS, I just don't want to be bothered. no forgiveness needed. I'm out, plain and simple.) some of this I can admit to. but hey, why should I settle? the truth behind the title is that the only way I would ever be truly happy is if I could piece together my favorite features/characteristics of past boyfriends/lovers to make the perfect man. yeah, yeah, it's impossible but let me dream a little LOL. let's go over some of my favorites, shall we?
E who is chocolate gorgeousness!!!! his smile, his swag, that NY accent, that look he gives me, the only person I've ever met that gets the panties without hesitation. biggest freak I've ever met. I don't care where we are in our lives, we always find our way back to each other. *whew* he's 5'11" of perfection, has a great job and is working on his MBA. he loves me and the kids. always calls me his Honduran queen. and yes, as corny as it sounds, he's always super sweet. all of that, and it's still never a good time for us to be serious about each other. that's 6 years in the making. too long, if you ask me for us to still not have figured this out. ok, moving on.
K who is packing like no other. I swear that thing is laced with crack. he treats me good, mainly because I've trained him to. I don't know who the heck was dealing with him before, but he's gotten a lot better nonetheless. we used to be besties, but because of the relationship that became limited. we're complicated together. we're both stubborn and hard-headed as hell. not really a freak, but I think that's because we haven't fully explored each other. he works a lot and never really has time for us to do a whole lot, or won't make time. I prefer to choose the latter. I'm always welcome to come over and hang out, just as long as I'm not interfering with football. he has a great job as well and loves kids even though he's never met mine.
A who was the first person I dated after my kids' dad and I broke up. nicest guy I've ever met. always pleasant. always willing to bend over backwards to help me out because that other nigga had carried me. he let me drop him off at work and keep his car when I didn't have one. gave me money for rent and bills. added me to his cell phone acct. damn... like most nice guys though, I did his ass wrong. I was in a messed up place and he came along at the wrong time. I took advantage of his niceness and ended up carrying the shit out of him. my self-esteem got a lil boost (after B had killed it) and I started seeing other dudes behind his back. I had some nerve. he didn't deserve that from me. *shrugs* I lost touch with him and never got to apologize.
those are the main ones that I can think of right now. I guess they stood out the most. if you're reading this, have dated me before and didn't make the list, I'm sorry. but not really. you just didn't make the cut, plus I didn't want to drag this post out any longer. ladies, I know y'all feel me. have heterosexual men - who have decent-sized Ds, can maintain a job, can hold an intelligent conversation, don't have 19 baby mamas or a wife (!!!), and will hold the door open for you - become extinct? they might have...
it has often been said to me that I am the only one to blame for my single status. that I find fault in everyone and everything. that I get annoyed. that I get bored easily. that I don't consider anyone good enough. but more importantly, that I am very unforgiving. (that part is only true if I've given my heart and someone misused it. other than that, if I sense BS, I just don't want to be bothered. no forgiveness needed. I'm out, plain and simple.) some of this I can admit to. but hey, why should I settle? the truth behind the title is that the only way I would ever be truly happy is if I could piece together my favorite features/characteristics of past boyfriends/lovers to make the perfect man. yeah, yeah, it's impossible but let me dream a little LOL. let's go over some of my favorites, shall we?
E who is chocolate gorgeousness!!!! his smile, his swag, that NY accent, that look he gives me, the only person I've ever met that gets the panties without hesitation. biggest freak I've ever met. I don't care where we are in our lives, we always find our way back to each other. *whew* he's 5'11" of perfection, has a great job and is working on his MBA. he loves me and the kids. always calls me his Honduran queen. and yes, as corny as it sounds, he's always super sweet. all of that, and it's still never a good time for us to be serious about each other. that's 6 years in the making. too long, if you ask me for us to still not have figured this out. ok, moving on.
K who is packing like no other. I swear that thing is laced with crack. he treats me good, mainly because I've trained him to. I don't know who the heck was dealing with him before, but he's gotten a lot better nonetheless. we used to be besties, but because of the relationship that became limited. we're complicated together. we're both stubborn and hard-headed as hell. not really a freak, but I think that's because we haven't fully explored each other. he works a lot and never really has time for us to do a whole lot, or won't make time. I prefer to choose the latter. I'm always welcome to come over and hang out, just as long as I'm not interfering with football. he has a great job as well and loves kids even though he's never met mine.
A who was the first person I dated after my kids' dad and I broke up. nicest guy I've ever met. always pleasant. always willing to bend over backwards to help me out because that other nigga had carried me. he let me drop him off at work and keep his car when I didn't have one. gave me money for rent and bills. added me to his cell phone acct. damn... like most nice guys though, I did his ass wrong. I was in a messed up place and he came along at the wrong time. I took advantage of his niceness and ended up carrying the shit out of him. my self-esteem got a lil boost (after B had killed it) and I started seeing other dudes behind his back. I had some nerve. he didn't deserve that from me. *shrugs* I lost touch with him and never got to apologize.
those are the main ones that I can think of right now. I guess they stood out the most. if you're reading this, have dated me before and didn't make the list, I'm sorry. but not really. you just didn't make the cut, plus I didn't want to drag this post out any longer. ladies, I know y'all feel me. have heterosexual men - who have decent-sized Ds, can maintain a job, can hold an intelligent conversation, don't have 19 baby mamas or a wife (!!!), and will hold the door open for you - become extinct? they might have...
Monday, October 17, 2011
baby mommas
my cousin recently noted on twitter that "no one ever plans to be a baby momma". I haven't been able to stop thinking about that statement ever since and so, I'm going in...
I hate the term with a passion but what else can I do but acknowledge the fact that I am someone's baby momma. (I can't stand my baby daddy almost as much as I hate both of these terms, but I'll leave that alone for right now.) anywho, eff the fact that I was young (16) and looking for love in all of the wrong places and got knocked up. eff the fact that he already had kids (he's much older) and that I became one of many baby mommas. and eff the fact that he should've known better seeing as he already had said children that he didn't/doesn't take care of. my issues with my baby daddy are numerous, but in the end, I have two beautiful babies.
I've often wondered where my life would be if I wasn't someone's baby momma. as I've mentioned before, I kinda got it going on for someone my age and with limited education. do u have any idea of all the ways I could be funning it up right now? I could be going on trips with my girlfriends; them broads don't even invite me anymore because I can never go. I could've invested some funds somewhere and watched that baby grow; instead I'm scraping change to make that much-needed trip to the grocery store. I could go to the gym erryday and be tight as ish; nope, my booty jiggles and I have stretch marks. I could be careless/free-as-a-bird with my goodies and give them to whomever I felt like giving them to; uh uh, I'm somebody's momma, remember? I must set good examples at all times. I could be getting white-boy wasted erry weekend, just because. shit, I work hard, I should be able to play hard too; no way, I have to help someone complete that gotdamn science project that we're already running behind on. not to mention football/basketball/cheerleading/soccer/tennis or whatever the hell else has captured their interest this season. man, I could be so fly and buy stuff that wasn't on sale (EVERYTHING I buy has to be on sale or I'm not buying) and when I wanted, not just when I needed something; hell no, that little bit of extra cash is going to something that the kids need or want, maybe some shoes or a coat but probably some new video game or art set or some other shit. but basically, I'd be fly, free and ballin'!!!!
the flipside is that I have friends who are my age or close to it, who don't have kids and while they are allowed to do all of these things that I mentioned above. they don't usually seem so happy to me. they usually have a lot of debt; maybe they forgot that they were actually ballin' on a budget. their significant others aren't usually all that, or really thinking about being committed (which is a HUGE issue to me; please don't waste my time). they're probably still living with their parents; again, ballin' on a budget. they're almost as broke as I am LOL. but overall, there is nothing in their lives that is truly fulfilling. there is no true love in their lives. there usually isn't a whole lot that they are passionate about. I'm not talking about all child-less folks, I'm talking about a select few of my friends whom I've paid close attention to.
so in the end, am I glad to be someone else's baby momma? hell no. I would much rather have a partner and to have gotten some of my goals accomplished before I became someone's Mom. but like I said before, I love those little ones more than myself and more than anyone/anything else that could ever exist. they're the only ones who will always love me unconditionally besides my parents and Jesus. and even my parents get funny from time to time. when my day has been shitty and I get home, they genuinely are happy to see me. who the hell else do I have that effect on? do they get on my nerves or vice versa? all the time do we get over it? almost immediately. there is nothing else in life that gives me as much fulfillment as taking care of them does. nothing else really matters at the end of the day. not money, not n*ggas, not my job. seeing them succeed is the ultimate goal.
oh and shout to all the baby mommas who are doing the damn thing! u know who u are :)
I hate the term with a passion but what else can I do but acknowledge the fact that I am someone's baby momma. (I can't stand my baby daddy almost as much as I hate both of these terms, but I'll leave that alone for right now.) anywho, eff the fact that I was young (16) and looking for love in all of the wrong places and got knocked up. eff the fact that he already had kids (he's much older) and that I became one of many baby mommas. and eff the fact that he should've known better seeing as he already had said children that he didn't/doesn't take care of. my issues with my baby daddy are numerous, but in the end, I have two beautiful babies.
I've often wondered where my life would be if I wasn't someone's baby momma. as I've mentioned before, I kinda got it going on for someone my age and with limited education. do u have any idea of all the ways I could be funning it up right now? I could be going on trips with my girlfriends; them broads don't even invite me anymore because I can never go. I could've invested some funds somewhere and watched that baby grow; instead I'm scraping change to make that much-needed trip to the grocery store. I could go to the gym erryday and be tight as ish; nope, my booty jiggles and I have stretch marks. I could be careless/free-as-a-bird with my goodies and give them to whomever I felt like giving them to; uh uh, I'm somebody's momma, remember? I must set good examples at all times. I could be getting white-boy wasted erry weekend, just because. shit, I work hard, I should be able to play hard too; no way, I have to help someone complete that gotdamn science project that we're already running behind on. not to mention football/basketball/cheerleading/soccer/tennis or whatever the hell else has captured their interest this season. man, I could be so fly and buy stuff that wasn't on sale (EVERYTHING I buy has to be on sale or I'm not buying) and when I wanted, not just when I needed something; hell no, that little bit of extra cash is going to something that the kids need or want, maybe some shoes or a coat but probably some new video game or art set or some other shit. but basically, I'd be fly, free and ballin'!!!!
the flipside is that I have friends who are my age or close to it, who don't have kids and while they are allowed to do all of these things that I mentioned above. they don't usually seem so happy to me. they usually have a lot of debt; maybe they forgot that they were actually ballin' on a budget. their significant others aren't usually all that, or really thinking about being committed (which is a HUGE issue to me; please don't waste my time). they're probably still living with their parents; again, ballin' on a budget. they're almost as broke as I am LOL. but overall, there is nothing in their lives that is truly fulfilling. there is no true love in their lives. there usually isn't a whole lot that they are passionate about. I'm not talking about all child-less folks, I'm talking about a select few of my friends whom I've paid close attention to.
so in the end, am I glad to be someone else's baby momma? hell no. I would much rather have a partner and to have gotten some of my goals accomplished before I became someone's Mom. but like I said before, I love those little ones more than myself and more than anyone/anything else that could ever exist. they're the only ones who will always love me unconditionally besides my parents and Jesus. and even my parents get funny from time to time. when my day has been shitty and I get home, they genuinely are happy to see me. who the hell else do I have that effect on? do they get on my nerves or vice versa? all the time do we get over it? almost immediately. there is nothing else in life that gives me as much fulfillment as taking care of them does. nothing else really matters at the end of the day. not money, not n*ggas, not my job. seeing them succeed is the ultimate goal.
oh and shout to all the baby mommas who are doing the damn thing! u know who u are :)
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
watch yourself
I'm going to generalize men and women for purposes of this post... I really hate to, but I find it necessary specifically to prove a point. (also, I started writing this a while ago and just came back across it again today.)
it all starts at the very beginning. Ladies: don't chase a man. don't pursue a man. stay in your place at all times and let him be the man that he was made to be. Prov. 18:22 clearly says that when a MAN FINDS A WIFE... not the other way around. I truly believe that he has to come and get you in order to fulfill that "hunting" instinct that they have. we have to work for anything worth having in order to fully enjoy the fruits of our labor. if you were an easy catch, there was no labor involved. which is why it's so easy for them to drop you and move on to the next easy target. you wouldn't be so quick to drop and leave something that you worked hard to get and that you had to sacrfice something for.
I was being reckless while talking to my on-and-off again boo the other day and he finally had to cut me off. he's never been rude, but he politely sent me a text message that said "don't forget who you're talking to. I'm only reminding you because you get out the pocket sometimes and I have to let you know who's really running sh*t". (SN: I'm not gonna break his heart by showing him who really runs sh*t LOL, but the point was to let me know to shut the f*ck up and I got it, real quick.) a real man isn't going to let you make him feel any less than what he is. if he does, trying to make time for you to get it together, it won't be for long. even my kids' father, who as far as I'm concerned is good for nothing, will hang the phone up on me before he'd ever let me tell him how "good for nothing" I find him to be. and the guy that I talked about in this post , told me once that he did not "allow" women to talk to him any ole kind of way. this was in the middle of an argument that I eventually walked away from. while I was not going to sit there and let someone tell me, a grown ass woman, what I am and am not "allowed" to do, once again I got the point.
on one hand, I am proof that sometimes we as women are placed into a man's role thru no fault of our own. however, when you meet a man who is willing to step up to the plate, please let him be the man. I long for the moment when I can finally be someone's helper and not the head. and if my kids' father ever gets his life straight and decides that he is finally ready to act like someone's father, then I'll step to the side and let him take his place back (this is, of course, dependent on him actually getting his ish together). let's be clear that that applies to their lives and not mine LOL. that dude will never again claim me.
it all starts at the very beginning. Ladies: don't chase a man. don't pursue a man. stay in your place at all times and let him be the man that he was made to be. Prov. 18:22 clearly says that when a MAN FINDS A WIFE... not the other way around. I truly believe that he has to come and get you in order to fulfill that "hunting" instinct that they have. we have to work for anything worth having in order to fully enjoy the fruits of our labor. if you were an easy catch, there was no labor involved. which is why it's so easy for them to drop you and move on to the next easy target. you wouldn't be so quick to drop and leave something that you worked hard to get and that you had to sacrfice something for.
I was being reckless while talking to my on-and-off again boo the other day and he finally had to cut me off. he's never been rude, but he politely sent me a text message that said "don't forget who you're talking to. I'm only reminding you because you get out the pocket sometimes and I have to let you know who's really running sh*t". (SN: I'm not gonna break his heart by showing him who really runs sh*t LOL, but the point was to let me know to shut the f*ck up and I got it, real quick.) a real man isn't going to let you make him feel any less than what he is. if he does, trying to make time for you to get it together, it won't be for long. even my kids' father, who as far as I'm concerned is good for nothing, will hang the phone up on me before he'd ever let me tell him how "good for nothing" I find him to be. and the guy that I talked about in this post , told me once that he did not "allow" women to talk to him any ole kind of way. this was in the middle of an argument that I eventually walked away from. while I was not going to sit there and let someone tell me, a grown ass woman, what I am and am not "allowed" to do, once again I got the point.
on one hand, I am proof that sometimes we as women are placed into a man's role thru no fault of our own. however, when you meet a man who is willing to step up to the plate, please let him be the man. I long for the moment when I can finally be someone's helper and not the head. and if my kids' father ever gets his life straight and decides that he is finally ready to act like someone's father, then I'll step to the side and let him take his place back (this is, of course, dependent on him actually getting his ish together). let's be clear that that applies to their lives and not mine LOL. that dude will never again claim me.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Not for me, for them
when my father left my mom, he left all of us. I was 15 and lost like hell. I loved him more than anyone else in this world. I was his firstborn and his only daughter (until I found out about the other one). he wasn't necessarily a hands-on parent but we were tight. tighter than tight. he spanked me once because I lied and it broke my heart, or so I thought. my feelings were hurt more than anything else. but the real pain would come some years later down the line. when he left, I thought that my mother was going to lose her mind. she had just finished nursing him back to health after he was this close to meeting his maker. well, as soon as his tail felt just a little bit better, he packed his ish and went back to his mistress. my mother has told me repeatedly that she should have just let his ass die. even though I felt she was wrong for saying that about my daddy, I can now, as a grown woman who has dealt with heartbreak before, understand exactly what she means. anywho, in the midst of all the turmoil surrounding my daddy's departure, I met B...
I loved B. hold up, cause y'all don't understand. I loved B. and he loved me more. we couldn't get enough of each other. he was like crack to me and couldn't nobody come between us. not my mama, not his mama. not our significant age difference and the fact that my mama was gonna make sure his ass went to jail for messing with her underage daughter. before she could do that, I was knocked up and begged her not to send my child's father to jail. shortly after the first baby came another one. we were still in love. or so I thought. he has another daughter who is my daughter's age. I didn't find out about her until they were both about 3 years old. I found that out at the same time that I found out that he had been cheating on me for the past 6 months. and the vicious cycle that had presented itself earlier in my life passed on to my children.
we haven't seen B all summer. I had to convince him to do something with my kids for Memorial Day. convince, did y'all hear me? nevermind the fact that he doesn't give me a dime. but overall, I just want him to be involved. call them and see how their day was. come to a freakin birthday party for once. shit, call on their birthdays. come to a game or competition. show up at a presentation or an awards show. pick them up from school even if it's just to bring them home. and I'm not the baby mama who talks ish to him left and right because I don't want that to ever be an excuse as to why he wouldn't step up to the plate. my kids love their dad. I guess the way that I love mine. but to this day, my dad doesn't call me. maybe on my birthday if he remembers. but he doesn't check on me, call to see how I'm doing. I call him from time to time, but I get tired of being the one that has to reach out to him all the time. and a lot of times it seems like we don't have anything to talk about. I'd hate for my kids to have that relationship with their dad. I don't bad-mouth him around my children or let anyone else do it either. and I've told him repeatedly that he is the only one that can destroy that love they feel for him. I'm not getting thru though.
B told me a couple of months ago that he's moving to North Carolina. wtf? I'm not sure if he's actually gonna make the move or not, but the fact that this was a thought that he had baffles the ish out of me. all I could manage to say was:
me: so you're going to move to a place where they will never see you?
him: they can come visit during the summers.
me: and that's it? don't you want to see them more than that?
apparently that's more than enough for him. and he's ok with even less than that seeing as how they haven't seen him all summer. but he keeps telling them that he's going to see them soon, that he's on his way and never shows up. you ever wish that a mothereffer would just disappear altogether?! but what the hell do I know? I'm just trying to make it as normal for them as possible and make up for what his ass won't do.
fellas, if one day you decide that you can't stand the sight of that heffa, please don't take it out on your children. ladies, if he's a good man trying to do for them even if he don't want your ass, please let him help you raise those kids. in my case, we grew apart and neither one of us is interested in the other at this point. but he's not interested in them either. and that's the ish that breaks my heart.
I loved B. hold up, cause y'all don't understand. I loved B. and he loved me more. we couldn't get enough of each other. he was like crack to me and couldn't nobody come between us. not my mama, not his mama. not our significant age difference and the fact that my mama was gonna make sure his ass went to jail for messing with her underage daughter. before she could do that, I was knocked up and begged her not to send my child's father to jail. shortly after the first baby came another one. we were still in love. or so I thought. he has another daughter who is my daughter's age. I didn't find out about her until they were both about 3 years old. I found that out at the same time that I found out that he had been cheating on me for the past 6 months. and the vicious cycle that had presented itself earlier in my life passed on to my children.
we haven't seen B all summer. I had to convince him to do something with my kids for Memorial Day. convince, did y'all hear me? nevermind the fact that he doesn't give me a dime. but overall, I just want him to be involved. call them and see how their day was. come to a freakin birthday party for once. shit, call on their birthdays. come to a game or competition. show up at a presentation or an awards show. pick them up from school even if it's just to bring them home. and I'm not the baby mama who talks ish to him left and right because I don't want that to ever be an excuse as to why he wouldn't step up to the plate. my kids love their dad. I guess the way that I love mine. but to this day, my dad doesn't call me. maybe on my birthday if he remembers. but he doesn't check on me, call to see how I'm doing. I call him from time to time, but I get tired of being the one that has to reach out to him all the time. and a lot of times it seems like we don't have anything to talk about. I'd hate for my kids to have that relationship with their dad. I don't bad-mouth him around my children or let anyone else do it either. and I've told him repeatedly that he is the only one that can destroy that love they feel for him. I'm not getting thru though.
B told me a couple of months ago that he's moving to North Carolina. wtf? I'm not sure if he's actually gonna make the move or not, but the fact that this was a thought that he had baffles the ish out of me. all I could manage to say was:
me: so you're going to move to a place where they will never see you?
him: they can come visit during the summers.
me: and that's it? don't you want to see them more than that?
apparently that's more than enough for him. and he's ok with even less than that seeing as how they haven't seen him all summer. but he keeps telling them that he's going to see them soon, that he's on his way and never shows up. you ever wish that a mothereffer would just disappear altogether?! but what the hell do I know? I'm just trying to make it as normal for them as possible and make up for what his ass won't do.
fellas, if one day you decide that you can't stand the sight of that heffa, please don't take it out on your children. ladies, if he's a good man trying to do for them even if he don't want your ass, please let him help you raise those kids. in my case, we grew apart and neither one of us is interested in the other at this point. but he's not interested in them either. and that's the ish that breaks my heart.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
so we're all just sharing, huh?
are people even monogamous anymore? is this even a question that comes up? do you even care if the person you are sleeping with is sleeping with someone else?
this has always been an issue for me because I simply don't believe in giving my goods up to just anyone. and I am sure as hell not (knowingly) sharing the person that I sleep with. the thought of it is repulsive to me. like, so you're doing with her what you were doing with me the other night? oh, she had her mouth where I usually put mine? oh, word? this n*gga must want to die in his sleep. No, I have not been head-over-heels in love with everyone I have slept with. not even close. but if you got that far with me, there was some type of rapport, we've spent time together and I deemed you worthy. this is not about jealousy or being insecure. this is about mutual respect for the person that you are engaging in this extremely intimate act with. and the disgust that I would feel knowing that you had been in someone else's arms is much greater than any orgasm I could ever have. real talk. other folks don't seem to care tho...
take my co-worker for example: he's married and has a lovely family. at some point or another, he decided that his wife wasn't enough for him so he started f*cking around. I think his rotation currently consists of 4 women plus his wife. once he came to work on a Monday bragging about how he had slept with a different woman every night of the past weekend. my question to him is "don't you think that the same way these chicks are messing with you behind your wife's back, they're probably messing with someone else's husband too?". he doesn't seem to really care and has told me that as long as his wife isn't sleeping around, then he's good. seriously?
an old acquaintance of mine had a child with a guy that she would only refer to as her "friend". friend? really? so we have kids with our friends now? is that how it is? and after their child was born, he continued to just be her "friend", which basically means he was just breaking her off. and probably someone else too. I don't care too much for titles but I'll be damned if you're screwing me and you refer to me as your "friend". sh*t. just say "this is (insert name here)", but don't do me like that. granted, we're not always in serious relationships with all of the fellas that we sleep with, but damn.
a long time ago, I used to get broken off by this guy. it lasted for a while. and while that is not normally my thing, I didn't feel like being in a relationship. my kids father had recently broken my heart and while he wanted me to share him with his new chick, that wasn't going down either. anywho, my point is that even though that wasn't officially my boo, I would have never knowingly shared him with anyone. I say knowingly because we don't always know, but if I ever find out we're done. my kids father was screwing this chick behind my back for about six months before I found out. when I did find out, I spoke to her (when I called him and she answered his phone), and I told her that I didn't know what he had told her but I was going to tell her the truth. when I told her that he and I had been in a relationship for several years, had two kids and lived together, she brushed me off and basically told me that now THEY were together and that she knew that that would never be her. he loved her too much. LOL. b*tch, I thought the same thing too. she didn't care at all that we had been sharing him, she figured that she had "won" him and that everything would be all good after that. *shrugs* stupid broads.
my personal feeling is that protection or not, it ain't going down like that. and if you feel like it can't be done my way, no worries, because it won't get done at all.
this has always been an issue for me because I simply don't believe in giving my goods up to just anyone. and I am sure as hell not (knowingly) sharing the person that I sleep with. the thought of it is repulsive to me. like, so you're doing with her what you were doing with me the other night? oh, she had her mouth where I usually put mine? oh, word? this n*gga must want to die in his sleep. No, I have not been head-over-heels in love with everyone I have slept with. not even close. but if you got that far with me, there was some type of rapport, we've spent time together and I deemed you worthy. this is not about jealousy or being insecure. this is about mutual respect for the person that you are engaging in this extremely intimate act with. and the disgust that I would feel knowing that you had been in someone else's arms is much greater than any orgasm I could ever have. real talk. other folks don't seem to care tho...
take my co-worker for example: he's married and has a lovely family. at some point or another, he decided that his wife wasn't enough for him so he started f*cking around. I think his rotation currently consists of 4 women plus his wife. once he came to work on a Monday bragging about how he had slept with a different woman every night of the past weekend. my question to him is "don't you think that the same way these chicks are messing with you behind your wife's back, they're probably messing with someone else's husband too?". he doesn't seem to really care and has told me that as long as his wife isn't sleeping around, then he's good. seriously?
an old acquaintance of mine had a child with a guy that she would only refer to as her "friend". friend? really? so we have kids with our friends now? is that how it is? and after their child was born, he continued to just be her "friend", which basically means he was just breaking her off. and probably someone else too. I don't care too much for titles but I'll be damned if you're screwing me and you refer to me as your "friend". sh*t. just say "this is (insert name here)", but don't do me like that. granted, we're not always in serious relationships with all of the fellas that we sleep with, but damn.
a long time ago, I used to get broken off by this guy. it lasted for a while. and while that is not normally my thing, I didn't feel like being in a relationship. my kids father had recently broken my heart and while he wanted me to share him with his new chick, that wasn't going down either. anywho, my point is that even though that wasn't officially my boo, I would have never knowingly shared him with anyone. I say knowingly because we don't always know, but if I ever find out we're done. my kids father was screwing this chick behind my back for about six months before I found out. when I did find out, I spoke to her (when I called him and she answered his phone), and I told her that I didn't know what he had told her but I was going to tell her the truth. when I told her that he and I had been in a relationship for several years, had two kids and lived together, she brushed me off and basically told me that now THEY were together and that she knew that that would never be her. he loved her too much. LOL. b*tch, I thought the same thing too. she didn't care at all that we had been sharing him, she figured that she had "won" him and that everything would be all good after that. *shrugs* stupid broads.
my personal feeling is that protection or not, it ain't going down like that. and if you feel like it can't be done my way, no worries, because it won't get done at all.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Going thru withdrawals
sucks to be me right now.
I miss the attention, the phone calls, the "good morning" texts, the quality time, the jokes, the D... yeah, I said it LOL. but I wonder if I miss him or how he made me feel. I can't honestly say that I love(d) him because I'm not sure if I would be able to distinguish lust from a strong like or even love. the first person that I ever cared about did me dead wrong for years. it resulted in me backing away from emotional attachment with the next few fellas. my "flings" don't last more than several weeks. I think 7 weeks is my average. some don't make it past a couple of weeks (I guess I'm not giving it up as quickly as the next one) but this one that's got me trippin, lasted a year and some change. 15 months to be exact. I only kept up because this is the closest I've gotten to anyone in a really long time.
I talked about him in an earlier post. He was chocolate perfection. Actually, I didn't think he was that good-looking at first but feelings increase all levels of attraction and I found myself in awe of how beautiful he became to me. I strongly liked this man. he's grown, holds his own and took his time to try and figure me out. unfortunately I'm a lot more complex than I let on, and it didn't work. I kinda knew that it wouldn't for a while but I was hooked nonetheless and held on for as long as I could. I guess he did too. we were best friends. if something funny happened, we'd call each other first. if something bad happened, we'd call each other first. if there were good/bad news, we'd be the first to hear about it. he was genuinely happy for me when I got a new position and subsequently got another promotion/raise. however, he had been job hunting for the better part of a year and kept getting doors shut in his face. he had a job, but wanted something better. I re-did his resume, sent applications to every place of interest, and even wrote a 57-page (!) personal history statement for one of the positions that he wanted very badly. he has great references, extensive experience but, as I'm sure everyone will agree, now is not the best time to look for a job. he's always so secure and his swagger is on a hundred thousand trillion, but after a while his ego was starting to get bruised. when we talked about the progression of our relationship he once asked what the hell he could offer me... that hurt. he didn't realize that I had my own shit, that I could hold my own too. but that wasn't enough. there were several factors that led to our demise but that one probably hurt the most. I just wanted him, that was it, that was all.
the way he made me feel, the late-night convos, the back and forth advice, sharing our goals. his mama hugging me tight everytime she saw me. his nieces smiling at me, admiring me cause their mom is some shit. his nephew following me around the house smiling shyly at me whenever I'd peep him staring at me. his boys telling me how much they liked me and that I wasn't on the same bullshit as these other chicks. and him holding me telling me how great I was in every way possible. how good it felt to be with me and that he wouldn't let another take what he knew was good for him. how much he admired me. how much he appreciated me.
but it STILL wasn't enough. so I'm sitting at home lonely as hell on this lovely Saturday night. waiting for a text/phone call that's never gonna come. but not really. cause I'll get over it. cause I'm better than that. and if he couldn't see it, fuck him. and the next dude will be happy that that nigga let me go. but not yet, cause I'm still hurt... shit.
I miss the attention, the phone calls, the "good morning" texts, the quality time, the jokes, the D... yeah, I said it LOL. but I wonder if I miss him or how he made me feel. I can't honestly say that I love(d) him because I'm not sure if I would be able to distinguish lust from a strong like or even love. the first person that I ever cared about did me dead wrong for years. it resulted in me backing away from emotional attachment with the next few fellas. my "flings" don't last more than several weeks. I think 7 weeks is my average. some don't make it past a couple of weeks (I guess I'm not giving it up as quickly as the next one) but this one that's got me trippin, lasted a year and some change. 15 months to be exact. I only kept up because this is the closest I've gotten to anyone in a really long time.
I talked about him in an earlier post. He was chocolate perfection. Actually, I didn't think he was that good-looking at first but feelings increase all levels of attraction and I found myself in awe of how beautiful he became to me. I strongly liked this man. he's grown, holds his own and took his time to try and figure me out. unfortunately I'm a lot more complex than I let on, and it didn't work. I kinda knew that it wouldn't for a while but I was hooked nonetheless and held on for as long as I could. I guess he did too. we were best friends. if something funny happened, we'd call each other first. if something bad happened, we'd call each other first. if there were good/bad news, we'd be the first to hear about it. he was genuinely happy for me when I got a new position and subsequently got another promotion/raise. however, he had been job hunting for the better part of a year and kept getting doors shut in his face. he had a job, but wanted something better. I re-did his resume, sent applications to every place of interest, and even wrote a 57-page (!) personal history statement for one of the positions that he wanted very badly. he has great references, extensive experience but, as I'm sure everyone will agree, now is not the best time to look for a job. he's always so secure and his swagger is on a hundred thousand trillion, but after a while his ego was starting to get bruised. when we talked about the progression of our relationship he once asked what the hell he could offer me... that hurt. he didn't realize that I had my own shit, that I could hold my own too. but that wasn't enough. there were several factors that led to our demise but that one probably hurt the most. I just wanted him, that was it, that was all.
the way he made me feel, the late-night convos, the back and forth advice, sharing our goals. his mama hugging me tight everytime she saw me. his nieces smiling at me, admiring me cause their mom is some shit. his nephew following me around the house smiling shyly at me whenever I'd peep him staring at me. his boys telling me how much they liked me and that I wasn't on the same bullshit as these other chicks. and him holding me telling me how great I was in every way possible. how good it felt to be with me and that he wouldn't let another take what he knew was good for him. how much he admired me. how much he appreciated me.
but it STILL wasn't enough. so I'm sitting at home lonely as hell on this lovely Saturday night. waiting for a text/phone call that's never gonna come. but not really. cause I'll get over it. cause I'm better than that. and if he couldn't see it, fuck him. and the next dude will be happy that that nigga let me go. but not yet, cause I'm still hurt... shit.
Friday, August 19, 2011
worst dates ever part 1
ok, so this may not be the worst one ever but it definitely stands out the most. the worst part is that I had several with the same person; yeah, I'm hard-headed like that. anyway, I just read a post regarding someone's worst date ever and it made me shake my head at my own story.
so this guy is younger than me, and we grew up in the same neighborhood. if he is reading this, sorry but I promise I won't mention ur name LOL. anyhoo, we saw each other at a get-together for someone that we both know and he kept flirting with me. as the night went on and I got tipsier and tipsier, I started flirting back. a few days later, I saw something he posted on said mutual friend's page on FB and sent him a friend request. like I said, we already knew each other and I didn't mind flirting some more. so we hit it off, exchanged numbers and all that other good stuff.
so one time he tells me to come meet him at his mom's house in Wheaton. um, I live in DC. but I went anyway. so we're sitting in my car on a hot ass day and he says "hey, I would really like a slurpee", so I say "that's cool, let's go get some". we get up to 7-11 and, me being considerate of the fact that I make at least twice as much as he does, only get a small. he gets a medium and I grab a bag of chips. when I approach the register, he's reading a magazine and I advise him that it's not polite to read the magazines unless you are actually going to purchase it and he shrugs it off. he continues to read as they ring it all up and the cashier does indeed ask if he's going to purchase the damn magazine and he says no. the total is $3.66, several seconds creep by and no one moves. he finally opens his mouth, without looking up, and states "oh, she got it." shock is the only word i can think of to describe what I was experiencing at that very moment. not one to act a fool in public, I quietly opened my wallet and pulled out a $5 bill. the cashier, a chick, looks at me and shakes her head and says "no, he needs to pay for u". my mind screamed "yes! someone who agrees with my views!" I also felt a lil ashamed that someone else had to stand up for me but I digress. this fool finally looks up like "huh?" and the cashier continues, "you shouldn't make her pay for this, men should always pay". her co-worker (a guy) cracks a smile and says "no, sometimes the women can pay". finally, I chime in, "no, I agree. the guy should always pay." (especially since my dumb-ass drove all the way from DC, and we ridin' in my car but I try to be nice even when dealing with an a-hole) he shrugs it off again "I ain't got no money". because I refused to be humiliated any further in front of some strangers, I finally let the sh*t go and paid the damn $3.66... mutha-f-er... and he still wonders to this day why I don't call his cheap ass.
so this guy is younger than me, and we grew up in the same neighborhood. if he is reading this, sorry but I promise I won't mention ur name LOL. anyhoo, we saw each other at a get-together for someone that we both know and he kept flirting with me. as the night went on and I got tipsier and tipsier, I started flirting back. a few days later, I saw something he posted on said mutual friend's page on FB and sent him a friend request. like I said, we already knew each other and I didn't mind flirting some more. so we hit it off, exchanged numbers and all that other good stuff.
so one time he tells me to come meet him at his mom's house in Wheaton. um, I live in DC. but I went anyway. so we're sitting in my car on a hot ass day and he says "hey, I would really like a slurpee", so I say "that's cool, let's go get some". we get up to 7-11 and, me being considerate of the fact that I make at least twice as much as he does, only get a small. he gets a medium and I grab a bag of chips. when I approach the register, he's reading a magazine and I advise him that it's not polite to read the magazines unless you are actually going to purchase it and he shrugs it off. he continues to read as they ring it all up and the cashier does indeed ask if he's going to purchase the damn magazine and he says no. the total is $3.66, several seconds creep by and no one moves. he finally opens his mouth, without looking up, and states "oh, she got it." shock is the only word i can think of to describe what I was experiencing at that very moment. not one to act a fool in public, I quietly opened my wallet and pulled out a $5 bill. the cashier, a chick, looks at me and shakes her head and says "no, he needs to pay for u". my mind screamed "yes! someone who agrees with my views!" I also felt a lil ashamed that someone else had to stand up for me but I digress. this fool finally looks up like "huh?" and the cashier continues, "you shouldn't make her pay for this, men should always pay". her co-worker (a guy) cracks a smile and says "no, sometimes the women can pay". finally, I chime in, "no, I agree. the guy should always pay." (especially since my dumb-ass drove all the way from DC, and we ridin' in my car but I try to be nice even when dealing with an a-hole) he shrugs it off again "I ain't got no money". because I refused to be humiliated any further in front of some strangers, I finally let the sh*t go and paid the damn $3.66... mutha-f-er... and he still wonders to this day why I don't call his cheap ass.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
bettering myself?
so last year I made the decision to start school. start as in "the beginning of something". I have yet to seriously decide on a major (right now it's legal studies), and I am still not sure that it will truly make me better. Let me break this down real quick...
My salary is X; I have no degree, not even a real high school diploma, I have a GED and dropped out in 10th grade to have my second child. yeah... However, the Lord blessed me with a hunger for knowledge and I am definitely no dummy. My salary allows me to own a home, a car, pay bills on time, and my kids were able to go to a private school for all of their elementary years (with little to no help from Dad, it varies from time to time). I am truly blessed :) I don't make a whole lot, but it's enough for us.
Moving on to my decision to earn a degree. I made the decision based on several factors. 1. I wanted to give a good example to my children; if I can make it, anyone can. 2. I want to keep moving up in the world. 3. I want to keep learning. Those are the ones I can think of right off the top. I figured that financial aid would cut me a hefty check, being a single mom and all, right? wrong. Slowly but surely I have begun accumulating debt, but it's for a good cause tho, right? wrong, well maybe. So my current major will enable me to become a paralegal which, starting out, will only pay me about 8k more than what I make now. Math was never my favorite subject, but let's see: I'm going to school part-time for maybe 6 years out of my life(best case scenario), take out about 10k in loans each year for tuition, spend hundreds more on books and materials so that can make 8k more a year??? um, I don't think so. the Judge that I work with everyday keeps pressing me to go all out and go to law school. That's the only way that this thing will benefit me in the end. The flip side of that is that a million and one residents in the District have a law degree. womp, womp, womp.
So, to be or not to be (a college grad)?
My salary is X; I have no degree, not even a real high school diploma, I have a GED and dropped out in 10th grade to have my second child. yeah... However, the Lord blessed me with a hunger for knowledge and I am definitely no dummy. My salary allows me to own a home, a car, pay bills on time, and my kids were able to go to a private school for all of their elementary years (with little to no help from Dad, it varies from time to time). I am truly blessed :) I don't make a whole lot, but it's enough for us.
Moving on to my decision to earn a degree. I made the decision based on several factors. 1. I wanted to give a good example to my children; if I can make it, anyone can. 2. I want to keep moving up in the world. 3. I want to keep learning. Those are the ones I can think of right off the top. I figured that financial aid would cut me a hefty check, being a single mom and all, right? wrong. Slowly but surely I have begun accumulating debt, but it's for a good cause tho, right? wrong, well maybe. So my current major will enable me to become a paralegal which, starting out, will only pay me about 8k more than what I make now. Math was never my favorite subject, but let's see: I'm going to school part-time for maybe 6 years out of my life(best case scenario), take out about 10k in loans each year for tuition, spend hundreds more on books and materials so that can make 8k more a year??? um, I don't think so. the Judge that I work with everyday keeps pressing me to go all out and go to law school. That's the only way that this thing will benefit me in the end. The flip side of that is that a million and one residents in the District have a law degree. womp, womp, womp.
So, to be or not to be (a college grad)?
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
I'm doin' me!
If you've ever had a real convo with me, you should know that I am a HUGE fan of relationships. Romantic, Familial, Friendship, you name it. I often wonder what makes them end, I mainly wonder why mine end. I recently broke things off with someone that I adored. I loved almost everything about him, and the things that I didn't, I looked past them because I wanted him and the relationship (there wasn't anything major, just dumb stuff that he needed to learn LOL). Anyhoo, we had it going on and then *record stops* and I'm dumbfounded, wondering what the hell happened. So it seems that Mr. Almost Perfect finally recognized that he didn't want to be in a relationship, he still wanted to fly solo. That's all well and good but did it really take you over a year and some change to figure this out? According to the words out of his own mouth I was his ace boon koon, he would never let me go and lose the one thing in his life that he KNEW was good for him. He was my bestie and I was his. The connection was super intense from the jump but alas, it wasn't meant to be. One thing I won't do is knowingly share my boo (no matter how serious or not), so I decided to bounce; no need to beat around the bush, it is what it is.
In the past few weeks in the midst of my pity party, I realized that I was becoming one of those weak broads that I always criticize. I decided that I was not going to let it go any further! If that fool couldn't see what he had in me, then that's his loss. I'm not going to sit around and try and figure what's wrong with me. As a matter of fact, there is NOTHING wrong with me! God made me perfectly imperfect! Just like he did everyone else. I have other qualities that weigh out my imperfections, but he couldn't look past mine the way I did his. Don't get me wrong, I know that there is plenty of room for growth but overall I'm a great person. I happen to like myself very much :)
And so my journey begins... I've made the decision that for the next year I will spend time with me (whenever I can, I am a mom afterall) and with the Lord. Seriously, how can I commit to anyone if I can't commit to myself or to Him first? Plus at this point, I don't think that I could handle all the extra foolishness that comes with meeting someone new. Y'all know how it is, and more importantly I refuse to add another one of these dudes to my list. Yeah, THAT list, the secret one that us chicks never talk about LOL. Wish me luck...
In the past few weeks in the midst of my pity party, I realized that I was becoming one of those weak broads that I always criticize. I decided that I was not going to let it go any further! If that fool couldn't see what he had in me, then that's his loss. I'm not going to sit around and try and figure what's wrong with me. As a matter of fact, there is NOTHING wrong with me! God made me perfectly imperfect! Just like he did everyone else. I have other qualities that weigh out my imperfections, but he couldn't look past mine the way I did his. Don't get me wrong, I know that there is plenty of room for growth but overall I'm a great person. I happen to like myself very much :)
And so my journey begins... I've made the decision that for the next year I will spend time with me (whenever I can, I am a mom afterall) and with the Lord. Seriously, how can I commit to anyone if I can't commit to myself or to Him first? Plus at this point, I don't think that I could handle all the extra foolishness that comes with meeting someone new. Y'all know how it is, and more importantly I refuse to add another one of these dudes to my list. Yeah, THAT list, the secret one that us chicks never talk about LOL. Wish me luck...
WELCOME
Welcome to my blog! I've been wanting to do this for a while now but hadn't really found the time to get started. I felt pushed once more after reading one of my girlfriend's posts this morning. Anyhoo, bare with me as I vent about some of the craziness that my life consists of... most of my stories will be funny (since I hardly take anything too seriously), some will be sad, some will be unbelievable (as I swear some of this stuff only happens to me!!!) but I hope to learn lessons along the way and teach my children so that they won't have to trip as much as I do...
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