keep coming back

you know that ex that you told yourself over and over again would "never, ever ever ever" (s/o to Chris Tucker) get some of you or your goodies again? but then you're like damn, my p**** and his d*** can't be done for good, can they? but you can't really see yourself giving him any after what he did. but then whatever he did wasn't that bad, right? (you know he was slingin that D if this has ever happened to you *sigh*) so you're going thru all these motions in your head. contemplating if you should hit him up for that last time. you don't wanna make that first move tho...

oh, look! a text from him! and he's saying all the nasty perverted ish you were dying to hear from him once more. he knows just what to say to get you to drop them panties, doesn't he? but anywho, now you can go and get it on and you didn't even have to be the one who seemed pressed. (SMH at the games we play, but whatever...) so you make all of the necessary arrangements to hook up with him. make yourself look real good so you can show him what the hell he's been missing and all of that other good stuff, right? yeah. you get there and everything is just the way you remember it. his kiss, his touch, his... oh yeah... that first stroke feels like heaven, and what comes next makes you feel like you are about to lose your mind. why are you mad at this dude again? you forgot about all of the stupid ish he ever did to you cause none of that matters right here and now. then he does that extra freaky ish that y'all only did now and then. this mofo is showing off! gotdammit! he's the best you've ever had and he's about to remind you of that ish right freakin now. why can't he act right and then you could have this all the time, all over again. never mind that ish, let's get back to business. you definitely don't want to ruin the moment because who knows if and when you'll get this again.

ahhhhhh... at last. yeah.

and now, the aftermath. I should get up and go home, right? but this is my favorite place to sleep (besides my own bed). right up under him like when I used to be his. like I've done a million times before. do I kiss him before I leave? we just had our tongues down each other's throats but somehow a simple good-bye kiss seems so much more intimate than that right now. do I say "I'll call you later."? we both know that's not true. I haven't called him in weeks. he hit me up a couple of weeks ago for drinks and I declined. now that we've done the deed, we're both silent. he speaks first, making small talk. I hate how he's so smooth like that. he's interested and is genuinely listening to everything I say but he won't say how he really feels. I'm dying inside, I want to tell him how much I miss him. I feel like I'm going to burst into tears for no real reason. this thing is killing me right now. but I'm not about to let him know that. we've exchanged updates on our loved ones, work, etc. and now there's nothing left to say. I kiss him on the lips and go back home. I call to let him know that I made it home safely, he cracks a joke about me speeding (the usual), and that's it. silence. again. never thought we'd get to this place. it is what it is...

until the next time he calls and says exactly what I like to hear...

friends for life

my circle is incredibly small. I trust very few people with my heart, my personal business and most importantly my children. I can count on one hand the people that I truly consider my friends. family doesn't count, cause I love all of y'all. even if you've done me dirty. I just won't talk to you anymore LOL, but I'm serious. acquaintances come and go and that's fine. everyone isn't meant to stay in our circle forever. hopefully, whatever purpose there is for them appearing in our lives gets fulfilled and everyone keeps it moving and there are no hard feelings.

so let me tell y'all about my long lost friend who I recently reconnected with. we used to hang tough in high school. we were inseparable. never dated; just besties. school ended and we lost touch for about 10-12 years, but suddenly we find ourselves back in each other's circles and I swear it feels like we have't missed a beat. (SN: this is how you know who your true friends are. I don't have to speak to you everyday or be all up in your face all the time just to ensure that our friendship is genuine or that you have my back. life happens but I'll be here when you need me.) facebook seems to be the root of all evil (LOL) and I have since deleted my account, but imagine my surprise when I saw him comment on a mutual friend's status. "OMG! what have you been up to? how old are your kids? where have you been?" it seemed like I couldn't get my questions out fast enough. all of my memories involving him flooded my mind and I couldn't wait to see him again.

so we've hooked up a couple of times since and have plans to see each other more regularly from now on. the energy he gives is amazing, there's never a dull moment. I love the way he's so open to just say "grab the kids and we can all go". my kind of guy ;) except for the fact that he's my friend. y'all know. that friend of the opposite sex who you'll never cross that line with. It's quite refreshing to spend time with a man who has no ulterior motives for seeing me or spending time with me. a man who lets me be me, and is himself at all times. no need to try to impress the other, cause it ain't even like that. hmmm, didn't even realize how much I actually missed him...