I've been in love with a man for the past six years. it took me a while to realize what we have, but it's definitely love. and as in all relationships, we certainly have our ups and downs. for a while, it seemed like we were breaking up every other week and getting back together a couple of days after. he's my addiction and I am most definitely his. we love each other hard. we hurt each other pretty hard too. but no matter what happens or how long we're apart (or who either of us meets in the interim) we always end up back together...
until now.
two years ago during one of those break-ups, I met someone else. I can't explain how I feel about him. it's not quite love. I care about him a lot, and it's a whole lot more than like or lust. we've gone through our lil drama as well, but it appears that we've learned our lessons. he's not big on labels, and neither am I. we just are. most importantly, for the first time in a long time, I feel safe. safe from hurt and/or harm. not that it can't happen. maybe it's because I don't actually feel like I love him. maybe the guard that I thought I had let down some, is actually still standing very tall.
I've always kept in touch with #1 throughout the relationship with #2, I did leave him, . I told #1 about #2 once, and that was the first time he ever cussed at me. said he couldn't believe I was telling him this over the phone. (we had never talked about outside relationships, even though I'm sure we both knew what the deal was.) some weeks passed, and he called. he acted like nothing ever happened so I never mentioned it again. I think #1 and I will always be friends. he'll always be a part of our (me and the kids) lives. I love him more than an "I'm in love" kinda love. you know the type. like I'll always love him even if I fall "out" of love with him.
is it possible to love/feel strongly about two men at the same time? do I sacrifice true love (even if volatile) for something that is simply safe? what if I never love #2? not sure how that would work for someone (me) who loves being in love. part of me feels like I should leave both of them alone while I sort my feelings out. but I'm not that type of person LOL. I wish that it was so simple like in the movies, but this is real life. I would never have imagined that someone like me would get caught up in something like this. I'm the most loyal person I know, and for me to be stuck between two men is just...
maybe this is what people that cheat go through. I guess I finally understand.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
forgiveness
forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts that we can give each other. as willing as I am to give a perfect stranger the shirt off of my back, forgiveness (which costs nothing) is the one thing that I cannot seem to give. especially to the ones I love the most.
people say that the best way to avoid disappointment is to not expect anything from others. I'll never be able to understand that. if we have a relationship (mother, father, sibling, cousin, friend, lover, etc.) I do expect certain things from you, and you should expect certain things from me as well. I should be able to expect the truth, loyalty, realness, respect, support, and understanding just to name a few. keep in mind that these are the same things that I'm willing to provide for the next person. I am by no means perfect, but I think I'm a good person overall. I also know that no one is perfect and that people fail us from time to time, sometimes unintentionally. at least we hope so.
one of the worst feelings in the world is when someone violates your trust. the trust that we subconsciously put into the ones we love, that they won't hurt us. the thought that they didn't consider our feelings before they did what they did brings an incredible sadness that cannot be described. you wouldn't know what I'm talking about unless it's happened to you before.
recently someone apologized to me for something that happened almost 10 years ago but still affects me to this day. the hurt and pain from that time in my life plays a huge part in who I am today. I remember every single aspect of what happened back then and I could feel the anger rising back up as if it was happening all over again. the nerve of him to think that I would accept his apology and act as if nothing ever happened. he suggested a new beginning. he doesn't understand that I never plan on going down that road again. he tried to make it sound like a sweet deal. nah. it was a sweet deal back then but he couldn't see it. now he sees it and it's out of his reach. forever. maybe the satisfaction that I have now is what he felt when he had me as his main chick and bitches on the side. *shrug*
they say that forgiveness is for self, so that you can be free from the bondage of anger and hate. if we forgive someone, does that mean that we let them off the hook for what they did? does that mean that they got away with it? does forgiveness ever get easier? how many times should you forgive the same person? once? several? just do right and help me avoid this dilemna... I'll try and do the same.
people say that the best way to avoid disappointment is to not expect anything from others. I'll never be able to understand that. if we have a relationship (mother, father, sibling, cousin, friend, lover, etc.) I do expect certain things from you, and you should expect certain things from me as well. I should be able to expect the truth, loyalty, realness, respect, support, and understanding just to name a few. keep in mind that these are the same things that I'm willing to provide for the next person. I am by no means perfect, but I think I'm a good person overall. I also know that no one is perfect and that people fail us from time to time, sometimes unintentionally. at least we hope so.
one of the worst feelings in the world is when someone violates your trust. the trust that we subconsciously put into the ones we love, that they won't hurt us. the thought that they didn't consider our feelings before they did what they did brings an incredible sadness that cannot be described. you wouldn't know what I'm talking about unless it's happened to you before.
recently someone apologized to me for something that happened almost 10 years ago but still affects me to this day. the hurt and pain from that time in my life plays a huge part in who I am today. I remember every single aspect of what happened back then and I could feel the anger rising back up as if it was happening all over again. the nerve of him to think that I would accept his apology and act as if nothing ever happened. he suggested a new beginning. he doesn't understand that I never plan on going down that road again. he tried to make it sound like a sweet deal. nah. it was a sweet deal back then but he couldn't see it. now he sees it and it's out of his reach. forever. maybe the satisfaction that I have now is what he felt when he had me as his main chick and bitches on the side. *shrug*
they say that forgiveness is for self, so that you can be free from the bondage of anger and hate. if we forgive someone, does that mean that we let them off the hook for what they did? does that mean that they got away with it? does forgiveness ever get easier? how many times should you forgive the same person? once? several? just do right and help me avoid this dilemna... I'll try and do the same.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
friend zone
once in the friend zone, always in the friend zone? more than likely, yes...
first of all, let me explain to the fellas that we can usually decide on the spot (upon first meeting you) if we'd ever give you some or not. that's just the way it is. that first impression means a heluva lot to us. appearance, conversation, smile and swag. we take it all in and can make a decision right then and there. that's not to say that you will get it that first night, that first week or even within that first month. unless you're playing all the right cards or we've gone without for some time. *shrug* but the fact that we've already decided that you can get it gives you a huge advantage, just don't mess it up, ok? once we're turned off, it's not that easy to get back on that pedestal you were once placed on.
now let's get back to the guy you've decided can't get any. he is, and will more than likely always be, in the friend zone. that's only if we halfway like you. you have that connection with him that you have with your girlfriends.he can go shopping with you, hang out with the kids together and you call him whenever you just wanna talk, cause that's what we do with our girlfriends. most guys don't "just wanna talk" but he'll listen because he hopes that this will somehow get him in the door. he's cool, listens and tells you that you're too good for them losers that you're messing with. he boosts your self-esteem when that other dude makes you feel like shit. he's on the sideline hoping and wishing that one day you'll give him a chance. but you just don't feel the romantic chemistry that he claims is there.
maybe we're stupid and should give the "friend-zone guy" a chance. maybe he'd treat us better than that other guy. he's been listening to you bitch and complain about those other guys for some time now so he knows exactly what to do but more importantly, what not to do. you've probably had no problem being yourself around him, without worrying about being extra cute or making adjustments to yourself or your personality just to please him. you have been absoultely 100% yourself around him, and he still likes you. so should you give it a shot? if we lived in a perfect world everything would work out beautifully and fairy-tale like. but we don't and if it fails, you'll lose someone that's probably pretty important to you. just not in that way. so to be safe, I'll just leave you in the friend zone and be happy for the chick that realizes everything you got going for you and doesn't waste any time snatching you up.
first of all, let me explain to the fellas that we can usually decide on the spot (upon first meeting you) if we'd ever give you some or not. that's just the way it is. that first impression means a heluva lot to us. appearance, conversation, smile and swag. we take it all in and can make a decision right then and there. that's not to say that you will get it that first night, that first week or even within that first month. unless you're playing all the right cards or we've gone without for some time. *shrug* but the fact that we've already decided that you can get it gives you a huge advantage, just don't mess it up, ok? once we're turned off, it's not that easy to get back on that pedestal you were once placed on.
now let's get back to the guy you've decided can't get any. he is, and will more than likely always be, in the friend zone. that's only if we halfway like you. you have that connection with him that you have with your girlfriends.he can go shopping with you, hang out with the kids together and you call him whenever you just wanna talk, cause that's what we do with our girlfriends. most guys don't "just wanna talk" but he'll listen because he hopes that this will somehow get him in the door. he's cool, listens and tells you that you're too good for them losers that you're messing with. he boosts your self-esteem when that other dude makes you feel like shit. he's on the sideline hoping and wishing that one day you'll give him a chance. but you just don't feel the romantic chemistry that he claims is there.
maybe we're stupid and should give the "friend-zone guy" a chance. maybe he'd treat us better than that other guy. he's been listening to you bitch and complain about those other guys for some time now so he knows exactly what to do but more importantly, what not to do. you've probably had no problem being yourself around him, without worrying about being extra cute or making adjustments to yourself or your personality just to please him. you have been absoultely 100% yourself around him, and he still likes you. so should you give it a shot? if we lived in a perfect world everything would work out beautifully and fairy-tale like. but we don't and if it fails, you'll lose someone that's probably pretty important to you. just not in that way. so to be safe, I'll just leave you in the friend zone and be happy for the chick that realizes everything you got going for you and doesn't waste any time snatching you up.
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