forgiveness

forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts that we can give each other. as willing as I am to give a perfect stranger the shirt off of my back, forgiveness (which costs nothing) is the one thing that I cannot seem to give. especially to the ones I love the most.

people say that the best way to avoid disappointment is to not expect anything from others. I'll never be able to understand that. if we have a relationship (mother, father, sibling, cousin, friend, lover, etc.) I do expect certain things from you, and you should expect certain things from me as well. I should be able to expect the truth, loyalty, realness, respect, support, and understanding just to name a few. keep in mind that these are the same things that I'm willing to provide for the next person. I am by no means perfect, but I think I'm a good person overall. I also know that no one is perfect and that people fail us from time to time, sometimes unintentionally. at least we hope so.

one of the worst feelings in the world is when someone violates your trust. the trust that we subconsciously put into the ones we love, that they won't hurt us. the thought that they didn't consider our feelings before they did what they did brings an incredible sadness that cannot be described. you wouldn't know what I'm talking about unless it's happened to you before.

recently someone apologized to me for something that happened almost 10 years ago but still affects me to this day. the hurt and pain from that time in my life plays a huge part in who I am today. I remember every single aspect of what happened back then and I could feel the anger rising back up as if it was happening all over again. the nerve of him to think that I would accept his apology and act as if nothing ever happened. he suggested a new beginning. he doesn't understand that I never plan on going down that road again. he tried to make it sound like a sweet deal. nah. it was a sweet deal back then but he couldn't see it. now he sees it and it's out of his reach. forever. maybe the satisfaction that I have now is what he felt when he had me as his main chick and bitches on the side. *shrug*

they say that forgiveness is for self, so that you can be free from the bondage of anger and hate. if we forgive someone, does that mean that we let them off the hook for what they did? does that mean that they got away with it? does forgiveness ever get easier? how many times should you forgive the same person? once? several? just do right and help me avoid this dilemna... I'll try and do the same.