when my father left my mom, he left all of us. I was 15 and lost like hell. I loved him more than anyone else in this world. I was his firstborn and his only daughter (until I found out about the other one). he wasn't necessarily a hands-on parent but we were tight. tighter than tight. he spanked me once because I lied and it broke my heart, or so I thought. my feelings were hurt more than anything else. but the real pain would come some years later down the line. when he left, I thought that my mother was going to lose her mind. she had just finished nursing him back to health after he was this close to meeting his maker. well, as soon as his tail felt just a little bit better, he packed his ish and went back to his mistress. my mother has told me repeatedly that she should have just let his ass die. even though I felt she was wrong for saying that about my daddy, I can now, as a grown woman who has dealt with heartbreak before, understand exactly what she means. anywho, in the midst of all the turmoil surrounding my daddy's departure, I met B...
I loved B. hold up, cause y'all don't understand. I loved B. and he loved me more. we couldn't get enough of each other. he was like crack to me and couldn't nobody come between us. not my mama, not his mama. not our significant age difference and the fact that my mama was gonna make sure his ass went to jail for messing with her underage daughter. before she could do that, I was knocked up and begged her not to send my child's father to jail. shortly after the first baby came another one. we were still in love. or so I thought. he has another daughter who is my daughter's age. I didn't find out about her until they were both about 3 years old. I found that out at the same time that I found out that he had been cheating on me for the past 6 months. and the vicious cycle that had presented itself earlier in my life passed on to my children.
we haven't seen B all summer. I had to convince him to do something with my kids for Memorial Day. convince, did y'all hear me? nevermind the fact that he doesn't give me a dime. but overall, I just want him to be involved. call them and see how their day was. come to a freakin birthday party for once. shit, call on their birthdays. come to a game or competition. show up at a presentation or an awards show. pick them up from school even if it's just to bring them home. and I'm not the baby mama who talks ish to him left and right because I don't want that to ever be an excuse as to why he wouldn't step up to the plate. my kids love their dad. I guess the way that I love mine. but to this day, my dad doesn't call me. maybe on my birthday if he remembers. but he doesn't check on me, call to see how I'm doing. I call him from time to time, but I get tired of being the one that has to reach out to him all the time. and a lot of times it seems like we don't have anything to talk about. I'd hate for my kids to have that relationship with their dad. I don't bad-mouth him around my children or let anyone else do it either. and I've told him repeatedly that he is the only one that can destroy that love they feel for him. I'm not getting thru though.
B told me a couple of months ago that he's moving to North Carolina. wtf? I'm not sure if he's actually gonna make the move or not, but the fact that this was a thought that he had baffles the ish out of me. all I could manage to say was:
me: so you're going to move to a place where they will never see you?
him: they can come visit during the summers.
me: and that's it? don't you want to see them more than that?
apparently that's more than enough for him. and he's ok with even less than that seeing as how they haven't seen him all summer. but he keeps telling them that he's going to see them soon, that he's on his way and never shows up. you ever wish that a mothereffer would just disappear altogether?! but what the hell do I know? I'm just trying to make it as normal for them as possible and make up for what his ass won't do.
fellas, if one day you decide that you can't stand the sight of that heffa, please don't take it out on your children. ladies, if he's a good man trying to do for them even if he don't want your ass, please let him help you raise those kids. in my case, we grew apart and neither one of us is interested in the other at this point. but he's not interested in them either. and that's the ish that breaks my heart.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
so we're all just sharing, huh?
are people even monogamous anymore? is this even a question that comes up? do you even care if the person you are sleeping with is sleeping with someone else?
this has always been an issue for me because I simply don't believe in giving my goods up to just anyone. and I am sure as hell not (knowingly) sharing the person that I sleep with. the thought of it is repulsive to me. like, so you're doing with her what you were doing with me the other night? oh, she had her mouth where I usually put mine? oh, word? this n*gga must want to die in his sleep. No, I have not been head-over-heels in love with everyone I have slept with. not even close. but if you got that far with me, there was some type of rapport, we've spent time together and I deemed you worthy. this is not about jealousy or being insecure. this is about mutual respect for the person that you are engaging in this extremely intimate act with. and the disgust that I would feel knowing that you had been in someone else's arms is much greater than any orgasm I could ever have. real talk. other folks don't seem to care tho...
take my co-worker for example: he's married and has a lovely family. at some point or another, he decided that his wife wasn't enough for him so he started f*cking around. I think his rotation currently consists of 4 women plus his wife. once he came to work on a Monday bragging about how he had slept with a different woman every night of the past weekend. my question to him is "don't you think that the same way these chicks are messing with you behind your wife's back, they're probably messing with someone else's husband too?". he doesn't seem to really care and has told me that as long as his wife isn't sleeping around, then he's good. seriously?
an old acquaintance of mine had a child with a guy that she would only refer to as her "friend". friend? really? so we have kids with our friends now? is that how it is? and after their child was born, he continued to just be her "friend", which basically means he was just breaking her off. and probably someone else too. I don't care too much for titles but I'll be damned if you're screwing me and you refer to me as your "friend". sh*t. just say "this is (insert name here)", but don't do me like that. granted, we're not always in serious relationships with all of the fellas that we sleep with, but damn.
a long time ago, I used to get broken off by this guy. it lasted for a while. and while that is not normally my thing, I didn't feel like being in a relationship. my kids father had recently broken my heart and while he wanted me to share him with his new chick, that wasn't going down either. anywho, my point is that even though that wasn't officially my boo, I would have never knowingly shared him with anyone. I say knowingly because we don't always know, but if I ever find out we're done. my kids father was screwing this chick behind my back for about six months before I found out. when I did find out, I spoke to her (when I called him and she answered his phone), and I told her that I didn't know what he had told her but I was going to tell her the truth. when I told her that he and I had been in a relationship for several years, had two kids and lived together, she brushed me off and basically told me that now THEY were together and that she knew that that would never be her. he loved her too much. LOL. b*tch, I thought the same thing too. she didn't care at all that we had been sharing him, she figured that she had "won" him and that everything would be all good after that. *shrugs* stupid broads.
my personal feeling is that protection or not, it ain't going down like that. and if you feel like it can't be done my way, no worries, because it won't get done at all.
this has always been an issue for me because I simply don't believe in giving my goods up to just anyone. and I am sure as hell not (knowingly) sharing the person that I sleep with. the thought of it is repulsive to me. like, so you're doing with her what you were doing with me the other night? oh, she had her mouth where I usually put mine? oh, word? this n*gga must want to die in his sleep. No, I have not been head-over-heels in love with everyone I have slept with. not even close. but if you got that far with me, there was some type of rapport, we've spent time together and I deemed you worthy. this is not about jealousy or being insecure. this is about mutual respect for the person that you are engaging in this extremely intimate act with. and the disgust that I would feel knowing that you had been in someone else's arms is much greater than any orgasm I could ever have. real talk. other folks don't seem to care tho...
take my co-worker for example: he's married and has a lovely family. at some point or another, he decided that his wife wasn't enough for him so he started f*cking around. I think his rotation currently consists of 4 women plus his wife. once he came to work on a Monday bragging about how he had slept with a different woman every night of the past weekend. my question to him is "don't you think that the same way these chicks are messing with you behind your wife's back, they're probably messing with someone else's husband too?". he doesn't seem to really care and has told me that as long as his wife isn't sleeping around, then he's good. seriously?
an old acquaintance of mine had a child with a guy that she would only refer to as her "friend". friend? really? so we have kids with our friends now? is that how it is? and after their child was born, he continued to just be her "friend", which basically means he was just breaking her off. and probably someone else too. I don't care too much for titles but I'll be damned if you're screwing me and you refer to me as your "friend". sh*t. just say "this is (insert name here)", but don't do me like that. granted, we're not always in serious relationships with all of the fellas that we sleep with, but damn.
a long time ago, I used to get broken off by this guy. it lasted for a while. and while that is not normally my thing, I didn't feel like being in a relationship. my kids father had recently broken my heart and while he wanted me to share him with his new chick, that wasn't going down either. anywho, my point is that even though that wasn't officially my boo, I would have never knowingly shared him with anyone. I say knowingly because we don't always know, but if I ever find out we're done. my kids father was screwing this chick behind my back for about six months before I found out. when I did find out, I spoke to her (when I called him and she answered his phone), and I told her that I didn't know what he had told her but I was going to tell her the truth. when I told her that he and I had been in a relationship for several years, had two kids and lived together, she brushed me off and basically told me that now THEY were together and that she knew that that would never be her. he loved her too much. LOL. b*tch, I thought the same thing too. she didn't care at all that we had been sharing him, she figured that she had "won" him and that everything would be all good after that. *shrugs* stupid broads.
my personal feeling is that protection or not, it ain't going down like that. and if you feel like it can't be done my way, no worries, because it won't get done at all.
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