when my father left my mom, he left all of us. I was 15 and lost like hell. I loved him more than anyone else in this world. I was his firstborn and his only daughter (until I found out about the other one). he wasn't necessarily a hands-on parent but we were tight. tighter than tight. he spanked me once because I lied and it broke my heart, or so I thought. my feelings were hurt more than anything else. but the real pain would come some years later down the line. when he left, I thought that my mother was going to lose her mind. she had just finished nursing him back to health after he was this close to meeting his maker. well, as soon as his tail felt just a little bit better, he packed his ish and went back to his mistress. my mother has told me repeatedly that she should have just let his ass die. even though I felt she was wrong for saying that about my daddy, I can now, as a grown woman who has dealt with heartbreak before, understand exactly what she means. anywho, in the midst of all the turmoil surrounding my daddy's departure, I met B...
I loved B. hold up, cause y'all don't understand. I loved B. and he loved me more. we couldn't get enough of each other. he was like crack to me and couldn't nobody come between us. not my mama, not his mama. not our significant age difference and the fact that my mama was gonna make sure his ass went to jail for messing with her underage daughter. before she could do that, I was knocked up and begged her not to send my child's father to jail. shortly after the first baby came another one. we were still in love. or so I thought. he has another daughter who is my daughter's age. I didn't find out about her until they were both about 3 years old. I found that out at the same time that I found out that he had been cheating on me for the past 6 months. and the vicious cycle that had presented itself earlier in my life passed on to my children.
we haven't seen B all summer. I had to convince him to do something with my kids for Memorial Day. convince, did y'all hear me? nevermind the fact that he doesn't give me a dime. but overall, I just want him to be involved. call them and see how their day was. come to a freakin birthday party for once. shit, call on their birthdays. come to a game or competition. show up at a presentation or an awards show. pick them up from school even if it's just to bring them home. and I'm not the baby mama who talks ish to him left and right because I don't want that to ever be an excuse as to why he wouldn't step up to the plate. my kids love their dad. I guess the way that I love mine. but to this day, my dad doesn't call me. maybe on my birthday if he remembers. but he doesn't check on me, call to see how I'm doing. I call him from time to time, but I get tired of being the one that has to reach out to him all the time. and a lot of times it seems like we don't have anything to talk about. I'd hate for my kids to have that relationship with their dad. I don't bad-mouth him around my children or let anyone else do it either. and I've told him repeatedly that he is the only one that can destroy that love they feel for him. I'm not getting thru though.
B told me a couple of months ago that he's moving to North Carolina. wtf? I'm not sure if he's actually gonna make the move or not, but the fact that this was a thought that he had baffles the ish out of me. all I could manage to say was:
me: so you're going to move to a place where they will never see you?
him: they can come visit during the summers.
me: and that's it? don't you want to see them more than that?
apparently that's more than enough for him. and he's ok with even less than that seeing as how they haven't seen him all summer. but he keeps telling them that he's going to see them soon, that he's on his way and never shows up. you ever wish that a mothereffer would just disappear altogether?! but what the hell do I know? I'm just trying to make it as normal for them as possible and make up for what his ass won't do.
fellas, if one day you decide that you can't stand the sight of that heffa, please don't take it out on your children. ladies, if he's a good man trying to do for them even if he don't want your ass, please let him help you raise those kids. in my case, we grew apart and neither one of us is interested in the other at this point. but he's not interested in them either. and that's the ish that breaks my heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment