I've been in love with a man for the past six years. it took me a while to realize what we have, but it's definitely love. and as in all relationships, we certainly have our ups and downs. for a while, it seemed like we were breaking up every other week and getting back together a couple of days after. he's my addiction and I am most definitely his. we love each other hard. we hurt each other pretty hard too. but no matter what happens or how long we're apart (or who either of us meets in the interim) we always end up back together...
until now.
two years ago during one of those break-ups, I met someone else. I can't explain how I feel about him. it's not quite love. I care about him a lot, and it's a whole lot more than like or lust. we've gone through our lil drama as well, but it appears that we've learned our lessons. he's not big on labels, and neither am I. we just are. most importantly, for the first time in a long time, I feel safe. safe from hurt and/or harm. not that it can't happen. maybe it's because I don't actually feel like I love him. maybe the guard that I thought I had let down some, is actually still standing very tall.
I've always kept in touch with #1 throughout the relationship with #2, I did leave him, . I told #1 about #2 once, and that was the first time he ever cussed at me. said he couldn't believe I was telling him this over the phone. (we had never talked about outside relationships, even though I'm sure we both knew what the deal was.) some weeks passed, and he called. he acted like nothing ever happened so I never mentioned it again. I think #1 and I will always be friends. he'll always be a part of our (me and the kids) lives. I love him more than an "I'm in love" kinda love. you know the type. like I'll always love him even if I fall "out" of love with him.
is it possible to love/feel strongly about two men at the same time? do I sacrifice true love (even if volatile) for something that is simply safe? what if I never love #2? not sure how that would work for someone (me) who loves being in love. part of me feels like I should leave both of them alone while I sort my feelings out. but I'm not that type of person LOL. I wish that it was so simple like in the movies, but this is real life. I would never have imagined that someone like me would get caught up in something like this. I'm the most loyal person I know, and for me to be stuck between two men is just...
maybe this is what people that cheat go through. I guess I finally understand.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
forgiveness
forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts that we can give each other. as willing as I am to give a perfect stranger the shirt off of my back, forgiveness (which costs nothing) is the one thing that I cannot seem to give. especially to the ones I love the most.
people say that the best way to avoid disappointment is to not expect anything from others. I'll never be able to understand that. if we have a relationship (mother, father, sibling, cousin, friend, lover, etc.) I do expect certain things from you, and you should expect certain things from me as well. I should be able to expect the truth, loyalty, realness, respect, support, and understanding just to name a few. keep in mind that these are the same things that I'm willing to provide for the next person. I am by no means perfect, but I think I'm a good person overall. I also know that no one is perfect and that people fail us from time to time, sometimes unintentionally. at least we hope so.
one of the worst feelings in the world is when someone violates your trust. the trust that we subconsciously put into the ones we love, that they won't hurt us. the thought that they didn't consider our feelings before they did what they did brings an incredible sadness that cannot be described. you wouldn't know what I'm talking about unless it's happened to you before.
recently someone apologized to me for something that happened almost 10 years ago but still affects me to this day. the hurt and pain from that time in my life plays a huge part in who I am today. I remember every single aspect of what happened back then and I could feel the anger rising back up as if it was happening all over again. the nerve of him to think that I would accept his apology and act as if nothing ever happened. he suggested a new beginning. he doesn't understand that I never plan on going down that road again. he tried to make it sound like a sweet deal. nah. it was a sweet deal back then but he couldn't see it. now he sees it and it's out of his reach. forever. maybe the satisfaction that I have now is what he felt when he had me as his main chick and bitches on the side. *shrug*
they say that forgiveness is for self, so that you can be free from the bondage of anger and hate. if we forgive someone, does that mean that we let them off the hook for what they did? does that mean that they got away with it? does forgiveness ever get easier? how many times should you forgive the same person? once? several? just do right and help me avoid this dilemna... I'll try and do the same.
people say that the best way to avoid disappointment is to not expect anything from others. I'll never be able to understand that. if we have a relationship (mother, father, sibling, cousin, friend, lover, etc.) I do expect certain things from you, and you should expect certain things from me as well. I should be able to expect the truth, loyalty, realness, respect, support, and understanding just to name a few. keep in mind that these are the same things that I'm willing to provide for the next person. I am by no means perfect, but I think I'm a good person overall. I also know that no one is perfect and that people fail us from time to time, sometimes unintentionally. at least we hope so.
one of the worst feelings in the world is when someone violates your trust. the trust that we subconsciously put into the ones we love, that they won't hurt us. the thought that they didn't consider our feelings before they did what they did brings an incredible sadness that cannot be described. you wouldn't know what I'm talking about unless it's happened to you before.
recently someone apologized to me for something that happened almost 10 years ago but still affects me to this day. the hurt and pain from that time in my life plays a huge part in who I am today. I remember every single aspect of what happened back then and I could feel the anger rising back up as if it was happening all over again. the nerve of him to think that I would accept his apology and act as if nothing ever happened. he suggested a new beginning. he doesn't understand that I never plan on going down that road again. he tried to make it sound like a sweet deal. nah. it was a sweet deal back then but he couldn't see it. now he sees it and it's out of his reach. forever. maybe the satisfaction that I have now is what he felt when he had me as his main chick and bitches on the side. *shrug*
they say that forgiveness is for self, so that you can be free from the bondage of anger and hate. if we forgive someone, does that mean that we let them off the hook for what they did? does that mean that they got away with it? does forgiveness ever get easier? how many times should you forgive the same person? once? several? just do right and help me avoid this dilemna... I'll try and do the same.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
friend zone
once in the friend zone, always in the friend zone? more than likely, yes...
first of all, let me explain to the fellas that we can usually decide on the spot (upon first meeting you) if we'd ever give you some or not. that's just the way it is. that first impression means a heluva lot to us. appearance, conversation, smile and swag. we take it all in and can make a decision right then and there. that's not to say that you will get it that first night, that first week or even within that first month. unless you're playing all the right cards or we've gone without for some time. *shrug* but the fact that we've already decided that you can get it gives you a huge advantage, just don't mess it up, ok? once we're turned off, it's not that easy to get back on that pedestal you were once placed on.
now let's get back to the guy you've decided can't get any. he is, and will more than likely always be, in the friend zone. that's only if we halfway like you. you have that connection with him that you have with your girlfriends.he can go shopping with you, hang out with the kids together and you call him whenever you just wanna talk, cause that's what we do with our girlfriends. most guys don't "just wanna talk" but he'll listen because he hopes that this will somehow get him in the door. he's cool, listens and tells you that you're too good for them losers that you're messing with. he boosts your self-esteem when that other dude makes you feel like shit. he's on the sideline hoping and wishing that one day you'll give him a chance. but you just don't feel the romantic chemistry that he claims is there.
maybe we're stupid and should give the "friend-zone guy" a chance. maybe he'd treat us better than that other guy. he's been listening to you bitch and complain about those other guys for some time now so he knows exactly what to do but more importantly, what not to do. you've probably had no problem being yourself around him, without worrying about being extra cute or making adjustments to yourself or your personality just to please him. you have been absoultely 100% yourself around him, and he still likes you. so should you give it a shot? if we lived in a perfect world everything would work out beautifully and fairy-tale like. but we don't and if it fails, you'll lose someone that's probably pretty important to you. just not in that way. so to be safe, I'll just leave you in the friend zone and be happy for the chick that realizes everything you got going for you and doesn't waste any time snatching you up.
first of all, let me explain to the fellas that we can usually decide on the spot (upon first meeting you) if we'd ever give you some or not. that's just the way it is. that first impression means a heluva lot to us. appearance, conversation, smile and swag. we take it all in and can make a decision right then and there. that's not to say that you will get it that first night, that first week or even within that first month. unless you're playing all the right cards or we've gone without for some time. *shrug* but the fact that we've already decided that you can get it gives you a huge advantage, just don't mess it up, ok? once we're turned off, it's not that easy to get back on that pedestal you were once placed on.
now let's get back to the guy you've decided can't get any. he is, and will more than likely always be, in the friend zone. that's only if we halfway like you. you have that connection with him that you have with your girlfriends.he can go shopping with you, hang out with the kids together and you call him whenever you just wanna talk, cause that's what we do with our girlfriends. most guys don't "just wanna talk" but he'll listen because he hopes that this will somehow get him in the door. he's cool, listens and tells you that you're too good for them losers that you're messing with. he boosts your self-esteem when that other dude makes you feel like shit. he's on the sideline hoping and wishing that one day you'll give him a chance. but you just don't feel the romantic chemistry that he claims is there.
maybe we're stupid and should give the "friend-zone guy" a chance. maybe he'd treat us better than that other guy. he's been listening to you bitch and complain about those other guys for some time now so he knows exactly what to do but more importantly, what not to do. you've probably had no problem being yourself around him, without worrying about being extra cute or making adjustments to yourself or your personality just to please him. you have been absoultely 100% yourself around him, and he still likes you. so should you give it a shot? if we lived in a perfect world everything would work out beautifully and fairy-tale like. but we don't and if it fails, you'll lose someone that's probably pretty important to you. just not in that way. so to be safe, I'll just leave you in the friend zone and be happy for the chick that realizes everything you got going for you and doesn't waste any time snatching you up.
Friday, December 16, 2011
keep coming back
you know that ex that you told yourself over and over again would "never, ever ever ever" (s/o to Chris Tucker) get some of you or your goodies again? but then you're like damn, my p**** and his d*** can't be done for good, can they? but you can't really see yourself giving him any after what he did. but then whatever he did wasn't that bad, right? (you know he was slingin that D if this has ever happened to you *sigh*) so you're going thru all these motions in your head. contemplating if you should hit him up for that last time. you don't wanna make that first move tho...
oh, look! a text from him! and he's saying all the nasty perverted ish you were dying to hear from him once more. he knows just what to say to get you to drop them panties, doesn't he? but anywho, now you can go and get it on and you didn't even have to be the one who seemed pressed. (SMH at the games we play, but whatever...) so you make all of the necessary arrangements to hook up with him. make yourself look real good so you can show him what the hell he's been missing and all of that other good stuff, right? yeah. you get there and everything is just the way you remember it. his kiss, his touch, his... oh yeah... that first stroke feels like heaven, and what comes next makes you feel like you are about to lose your mind. why are you mad at this dude again? you forgot about all of the stupid ish he ever did to you cause none of that matters right here and now. then he does that extra freaky ish that y'all only did now and then. this mofo is showing off! gotdammit! he's the best you've ever had and he's about to remind you of that ish right freakin now. why can't he act right and then you could have this all the time, all over again. never mind that ish, let's get back to business. you definitely don't want to ruin the moment because who knows if and when you'll get this again.
ahhhhhh... at last. yeah.
and now, the aftermath. I should get up and go home, right? but this is my favorite place to sleep (besides my own bed). right up under him like when I used to be his. like I've done a million times before. do I kiss him before I leave? we just had our tongues down each other's throats but somehow a simple good-bye kiss seems so much more intimate than that right now. do I say "I'll call you later."? we both know that's not true. I haven't called him in weeks. he hit me up a couple of weeks ago for drinks and I declined. now that we've done the deed, we're both silent. he speaks first, making small talk. I hate how he's so smooth like that. he's interested and is genuinely listening to everything I say but he won't say how he really feels. I'm dying inside, I want to tell him how much I miss him. I feel like I'm going to burst into tears for no real reason. this thing is killing me right now. but I'm not about to let him know that. we've exchanged updates on our loved ones, work, etc. and now there's nothing left to say. I kiss him on the lips and go back home. I call to let him know that I made it home safely, he cracks a joke about me speeding (the usual), and that's it. silence. again. never thought we'd get to this place. it is what it is...
until the next time he calls and says exactly what I like to hear...
oh, look! a text from him! and he's saying all the nasty perverted ish you were dying to hear from him once more. he knows just what to say to get you to drop them panties, doesn't he? but anywho, now you can go and get it on and you didn't even have to be the one who seemed pressed. (SMH at the games we play, but whatever...) so you make all of the necessary arrangements to hook up with him. make yourself look real good so you can show him what the hell he's been missing and all of that other good stuff, right? yeah. you get there and everything is just the way you remember it. his kiss, his touch, his... oh yeah... that first stroke feels like heaven, and what comes next makes you feel like you are about to lose your mind. why are you mad at this dude again? you forgot about all of the stupid ish he ever did to you cause none of that matters right here and now. then he does that extra freaky ish that y'all only did now and then. this mofo is showing off! gotdammit! he's the best you've ever had and he's about to remind you of that ish right freakin now. why can't he act right and then you could have this all the time, all over again. never mind that ish, let's get back to business. you definitely don't want to ruin the moment because who knows if and when you'll get this again.
ahhhhhh... at last. yeah.
and now, the aftermath. I should get up and go home, right? but this is my favorite place to sleep (besides my own bed). right up under him like when I used to be his. like I've done a million times before. do I kiss him before I leave? we just had our tongues down each other's throats but somehow a simple good-bye kiss seems so much more intimate than that right now. do I say "I'll call you later."? we both know that's not true. I haven't called him in weeks. he hit me up a couple of weeks ago for drinks and I declined. now that we've done the deed, we're both silent. he speaks first, making small talk. I hate how he's so smooth like that. he's interested and is genuinely listening to everything I say but he won't say how he really feels. I'm dying inside, I want to tell him how much I miss him. I feel like I'm going to burst into tears for no real reason. this thing is killing me right now. but I'm not about to let him know that. we've exchanged updates on our loved ones, work, etc. and now there's nothing left to say. I kiss him on the lips and go back home. I call to let him know that I made it home safely, he cracks a joke about me speeding (the usual), and that's it. silence. again. never thought we'd get to this place. it is what it is...
until the next time he calls and says exactly what I like to hear...
Friday, December 9, 2011
friends for life
my circle is incredibly small. I trust very few people with my heart, my personal business and most importantly my children. I can count on one hand the people that I truly consider my friends. family doesn't count, cause I love all of y'all. even if you've done me dirty. I just won't talk to you anymore LOL, but I'm serious. acquaintances come and go and that's fine. everyone isn't meant to stay in our circle forever. hopefully, whatever purpose there is for them appearing in our lives gets fulfilled and everyone keeps it moving and there are no hard feelings.
so let me tell y'all about my long lost friend who I recently reconnected with. we used to hang tough in high school. we were inseparable. never dated; just besties. school ended and we lost touch for about 10-12 years, but suddenly we find ourselves back in each other's circles and I swear it feels like we have't missed a beat. (SN: this is how you know who your true friends are. I don't have to speak to you everyday or be all up in your face all the time just to ensure that our friendship is genuine or that you have my back. life happens but I'll be here when you need me.) facebook seems to be the root of all evil (LOL) and I have since deleted my account, but imagine my surprise when I saw him comment on a mutual friend's status. "OMG! what have you been up to? how old are your kids? where have you been?" it seemed like I couldn't get my questions out fast enough. all of my memories involving him flooded my mind and I couldn't wait to see him again.
so we've hooked up a couple of times since and have plans to see each other more regularly from now on. the energy he gives is amazing, there's never a dull moment. I love the way he's so open to just say "grab the kids and we can all go". my kind of guy ;) except for the fact that he's my friend. y'all know. that friend of the opposite sex who you'll never cross that line with. It's quite refreshing to spend time with a man who has no ulterior motives for seeing me or spending time with me. a man who lets me be me, and is himself at all times. no need to try to impress the other, cause it ain't even like that. hmmm, didn't even realize how much I actually missed him...
so let me tell y'all about my long lost friend who I recently reconnected with. we used to hang tough in high school. we were inseparable. never dated; just besties. school ended and we lost touch for about 10-12 years, but suddenly we find ourselves back in each other's circles and I swear it feels like we have't missed a beat. (SN: this is how you know who your true friends are. I don't have to speak to you everyday or be all up in your face all the time just to ensure that our friendship is genuine or that you have my back. life happens but I'll be here when you need me.) facebook seems to be the root of all evil (LOL) and I have since deleted my account, but imagine my surprise when I saw him comment on a mutual friend's status. "OMG! what have you been up to? how old are your kids? where have you been?" it seemed like I couldn't get my questions out fast enough. all of my memories involving him flooded my mind and I couldn't wait to see him again.
so we've hooked up a couple of times since and have plans to see each other more regularly from now on. the energy he gives is amazing, there's never a dull moment. I love the way he's so open to just say "grab the kids and we can all go". my kind of guy ;) except for the fact that he's my friend. y'all know. that friend of the opposite sex who you'll never cross that line with. It's quite refreshing to spend time with a man who has no ulterior motives for seeing me or spending time with me. a man who lets me be me, and is himself at all times. no need to try to impress the other, cause it ain't even like that. hmmm, didn't even realize how much I actually missed him...
Monday, November 7, 2011
not good enough
I recently celebrated another bday (28th!) and while it was a joyous occasion for the most part, it also brought to light all of the things I wish I would've accomplished by now. I know, I know... I've been beating myself up about this make-believe list and the fact that I actually feel like certain things have a dead-line in my life. some of it comes from society, but most of it is in my head.
as women, we're told that we should be strong, independent, perfect mothers and partners, and blah blah blah. all of that shit is making me sick right about now. I have to learn that MY life is moving at a different pace because of what has been important to me at different times in my life. I still share a house with my ex's mom. although I co-own it, it might as well be her house. while I have had the money to move a long time ago, I felt like I needed the support since my own mother had moved to LA. with their dad being almost all the way out of the picture, she's the only one who has been a constant right along with me. and while I certainly don't try and take advantage of her, she is a huge help. the downfall? I can't screw in my own damn house. it might not seem like a big deal to some of y'all but shit... I don't out of respect for her, but dammit. I can't wait to get my own damn place. I have made some major adjustments to my budget recently and will be making the move fo' sho in the Spring.
let's talk about my non-existent love life, shall we? so being the full-time mom of those two little ones keeps me drained and entertained fo sho. most guys don't even wanna pursue me any further once I tell them that they, more than likely, won't be coming over my house and that I have little to no time for all the bull. yeah, that's how I sweet talk 'em. LOL. E, who I talked about here, would always feel guilty about taking me from the kids. and while he had no issue with all of us spending time together, he definitely wanted me to himself every now and again. so, as it stands right now, I am single. and yes, I am nearing 30. which has to mean that there is something wrong with me, right? I'm not gonna begin to point you in the direction of all of the articles I have read recently that say "it's your fault that you're single" or something to that effect. *sigh*
moving on. the fact that I just dropped my classes for this semester tho?! man... I thought that I was going to die. it was too much for me. I was having some issues at work, along with everyday stresses and all of it just kinda caught up to me at the same time. one of the stresses had to be removed before I lost it, and school was the one that I could get away from. until the loan bills come thru, that is. maybe I'll get back on track in the Spring, or maybe I won't. shit. I'm just tryna figure all of this out while instilling good values and morals in my children and while maintaining some decency about myself. someone has to be a role model, right?
so, let's recap. I'm 28. I'm someone's baby momma. I live with someone who is like my mother. I'm not getting any. I'm single. and I have no degree. oh well. at the end of the day, I'm just me. one day, I'll have this all figured out, or not.
as women, we're told that we should be strong, independent, perfect mothers and partners, and blah blah blah. all of that shit is making me sick right about now. I have to learn that MY life is moving at a different pace because of what has been important to me at different times in my life. I still share a house with my ex's mom. although I co-own it, it might as well be her house. while I have had the money to move a long time ago, I felt like I needed the support since my own mother had moved to LA. with their dad being almost all the way out of the picture, she's the only one who has been a constant right along with me. and while I certainly don't try and take advantage of her, she is a huge help. the downfall? I can't screw in my own damn house. it might not seem like a big deal to some of y'all but shit... I don't out of respect for her, but dammit. I can't wait to get my own damn place. I have made some major adjustments to my budget recently and will be making the move fo' sho in the Spring.
let's talk about my non-existent love life, shall we? so being the full-time mom of those two little ones keeps me drained and entertained fo sho. most guys don't even wanna pursue me any further once I tell them that they, more than likely, won't be coming over my house and that I have little to no time for all the bull. yeah, that's how I sweet talk 'em. LOL. E, who I talked about here, would always feel guilty about taking me from the kids. and while he had no issue with all of us spending time together, he definitely wanted me to himself every now and again. so, as it stands right now, I am single. and yes, I am nearing 30. which has to mean that there is something wrong with me, right? I'm not gonna begin to point you in the direction of all of the articles I have read recently that say "it's your fault that you're single" or something to that effect. *sigh*
moving on. the fact that I just dropped my classes for this semester tho?! man... I thought that I was going to die. it was too much for me. I was having some issues at work, along with everyday stresses and all of it just kinda caught up to me at the same time. one of the stresses had to be removed before I lost it, and school was the one that I could get away from. until the loan bills come thru, that is. maybe I'll get back on track in the Spring, or maybe I won't. shit. I'm just tryna figure all of this out while instilling good values and morals in my children and while maintaining some decency about myself. someone has to be a role model, right?
so, let's recap. I'm 28. I'm someone's baby momma. I live with someone who is like my mother. I'm not getting any. I'm single. and I have no degree. oh well. at the end of the day, I'm just me. one day, I'll have this all figured out, or not.
Friday, October 28, 2011
someone like you and you and you...
first let me say that I love Adele's "Someone Like You" but moving on...
it has often been said to me that I am the only one to blame for my single status. that I find fault in everyone and everything. that I get annoyed. that I get bored easily. that I don't consider anyone good enough. but more importantly, that I am very unforgiving. (that part is only true if I've given my heart and someone misused it. other than that, if I sense BS, I just don't want to be bothered. no forgiveness needed. I'm out, plain and simple.) some of this I can admit to. but hey, why should I settle? the truth behind the title is that the only way I would ever be truly happy is if I could piece together my favorite features/characteristics of past boyfriends/lovers to make the perfect man. yeah, yeah, it's impossible but let me dream a little LOL. let's go over some of my favorites, shall we?
E who is chocolate gorgeousness!!!! his smile, his swag, that NY accent, that look he gives me, the only person I've ever met that gets the panties without hesitation. biggest freak I've ever met. I don't care where we are in our lives, we always find our way back to each other. *whew* he's 5'11" of perfection, has a great job and is working on his MBA. he loves me and the kids. always calls me his Honduran queen. and yes, as corny as it sounds, he's always super sweet. all of that, and it's still never a good time for us to be serious about each other. that's 6 years in the making. too long, if you ask me for us to still not have figured this out. ok, moving on.
K who is packing like no other. I swear that thing is laced with crack. he treats me good, mainly because I've trained him to. I don't know who the heck was dealing with him before, but he's gotten a lot better nonetheless. we used to be besties, but because of the relationship that became limited. we're complicated together. we're both stubborn and hard-headed as hell. not really a freak, but I think that's because we haven't fully explored each other. he works a lot and never really has time for us to do a whole lot, or won't make time. I prefer to choose the latter. I'm always welcome to come over and hang out, just as long as I'm not interfering with football. he has a great job as well and loves kids even though he's never met mine.
A who was the first person I dated after my kids' dad and I broke up. nicest guy I've ever met. always pleasant. always willing to bend over backwards to help me out because that other nigga had carried me. he let me drop him off at work and keep his car when I didn't have one. gave me money for rent and bills. added me to his cell phone acct. damn... like most nice guys though, I did his ass wrong. I was in a messed up place and he came along at the wrong time. I took advantage of his niceness and ended up carrying the shit out of him. my self-esteem got a lil boost (after B had killed it) and I started seeing other dudes behind his back. I had some nerve. he didn't deserve that from me. *shrugs* I lost touch with him and never got to apologize.
those are the main ones that I can think of right now. I guess they stood out the most. if you're reading this, have dated me before and didn't make the list, I'm sorry. but not really. you just didn't make the cut, plus I didn't want to drag this post out any longer. ladies, I know y'all feel me. have heterosexual men - who have decent-sized Ds, can maintain a job, can hold an intelligent conversation, don't have 19 baby mamas or a wife (!!!), and will hold the door open for you - become extinct? they might have...
it has often been said to me that I am the only one to blame for my single status. that I find fault in everyone and everything. that I get annoyed. that I get bored easily. that I don't consider anyone good enough. but more importantly, that I am very unforgiving. (that part is only true if I've given my heart and someone misused it. other than that, if I sense BS, I just don't want to be bothered. no forgiveness needed. I'm out, plain and simple.) some of this I can admit to. but hey, why should I settle? the truth behind the title is that the only way I would ever be truly happy is if I could piece together my favorite features/characteristics of past boyfriends/lovers to make the perfect man. yeah, yeah, it's impossible but let me dream a little LOL. let's go over some of my favorites, shall we?
E who is chocolate gorgeousness!!!! his smile, his swag, that NY accent, that look he gives me, the only person I've ever met that gets the panties without hesitation. biggest freak I've ever met. I don't care where we are in our lives, we always find our way back to each other. *whew* he's 5'11" of perfection, has a great job and is working on his MBA. he loves me and the kids. always calls me his Honduran queen. and yes, as corny as it sounds, he's always super sweet. all of that, and it's still never a good time for us to be serious about each other. that's 6 years in the making. too long, if you ask me for us to still not have figured this out. ok, moving on.
K who is packing like no other. I swear that thing is laced with crack. he treats me good, mainly because I've trained him to. I don't know who the heck was dealing with him before, but he's gotten a lot better nonetheless. we used to be besties, but because of the relationship that became limited. we're complicated together. we're both stubborn and hard-headed as hell. not really a freak, but I think that's because we haven't fully explored each other. he works a lot and never really has time for us to do a whole lot, or won't make time. I prefer to choose the latter. I'm always welcome to come over and hang out, just as long as I'm not interfering with football. he has a great job as well and loves kids even though he's never met mine.
A who was the first person I dated after my kids' dad and I broke up. nicest guy I've ever met. always pleasant. always willing to bend over backwards to help me out because that other nigga had carried me. he let me drop him off at work and keep his car when I didn't have one. gave me money for rent and bills. added me to his cell phone acct. damn... like most nice guys though, I did his ass wrong. I was in a messed up place and he came along at the wrong time. I took advantage of his niceness and ended up carrying the shit out of him. my self-esteem got a lil boost (after B had killed it) and I started seeing other dudes behind his back. I had some nerve. he didn't deserve that from me. *shrugs* I lost touch with him and never got to apologize.
those are the main ones that I can think of right now. I guess they stood out the most. if you're reading this, have dated me before and didn't make the list, I'm sorry. but not really. you just didn't make the cut, plus I didn't want to drag this post out any longer. ladies, I know y'all feel me. have heterosexual men - who have decent-sized Ds, can maintain a job, can hold an intelligent conversation, don't have 19 baby mamas or a wife (!!!), and will hold the door open for you - become extinct? they might have...
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