I've been in love with a man for the past six years. it took me a while to realize what we have, but it's definitely love. and as in all relationships, we certainly have our ups and downs. for a while, it seemed like we were breaking up every other week and getting back together a couple of days after. he's my addiction and I am most definitely his. we love each other hard. we hurt each other pretty hard too. but no matter what happens or how long we're apart (or who either of us meets in the interim) we always end up back together...
until now.
two years ago during one of those break-ups, I met someone else. I can't explain how I feel about him. it's not quite love. I care about him a lot, and it's a whole lot more than like or lust. we've gone through our lil drama as well, but it appears that we've learned our lessons. he's not big on labels, and neither am I. we just are. most importantly, for the first time in a long time, I feel safe. safe from hurt and/or harm. not that it can't happen. maybe it's because I don't actually feel like I love him. maybe the guard that I thought I had let down some, is actually still standing very tall.
I've always kept in touch with #1 throughout the relationship with #2, I did leave him, . I told #1 about #2 once, and that was the first time he ever cussed at me. said he couldn't believe I was telling him this over the phone. (we had never talked about outside relationships, even though I'm sure we both knew what the deal was.) some weeks passed, and he called. he acted like nothing ever happened so I never mentioned it again. I think #1 and I will always be friends. he'll always be a part of our (me and the kids) lives. I love him more than an "I'm in love" kinda love. you know the type. like I'll always love him even if I fall "out" of love with him.
is it possible to love/feel strongly about two men at the same time? do I sacrifice true love (even if volatile) for something that is simply safe? what if I never love #2? not sure how that would work for someone (me) who loves being in love. part of me feels like I should leave both of them alone while I sort my feelings out. but I'm not that type of person LOL. I wish that it was so simple like in the movies, but this is real life. I would never have imagined that someone like me would get caught up in something like this. I'm the most loyal person I know, and for me to be stuck between two men is just...
maybe this is what people that cheat go through. I guess I finally understand.
