I recently celebrated another bday (28th!) and while it was a joyous occasion for the most part, it also brought to light all of the things I wish I would've accomplished by now. I know, I know... I've been beating myself up about this make-believe list and the fact that I actually feel like certain things have a dead-line in my life. some of it comes from society, but most of it is in my head.
as women, we're told that we should be strong, independent, perfect mothers and partners, and blah blah blah. all of that shit is making me sick right about now. I have to learn that MY life is moving at a different pace because of what has been important to me at different times in my life. I still share a house with my ex's mom. although I co-own it, it might as well be her house. while I have had the money to move a long time ago, I felt like I needed the support since my own mother had moved to LA. with their dad being almost all the way out of the picture, she's the only one who has been a constant right along with me. and while I certainly don't try and take advantage of her, she is a huge help. the downfall? I can't screw in my own damn house. it might not seem like a big deal to some of y'all but shit... I don't out of respect for her, but dammit. I can't wait to get my own damn place. I have made some major adjustments to my budget recently and will be making the move fo' sho in the Spring.
let's talk about my non-existent love life, shall we? so being the full-time mom of those two little ones keeps me drained and entertained fo sho. most guys don't even wanna pursue me any further once I tell them that they, more than likely, won't be coming over my house and that I have little to no time for all the bull. yeah, that's how I sweet talk 'em. LOL. E, who I talked about here, would always feel guilty about taking me from the kids. and while he had no issue with all of us spending time together, he definitely wanted me to himself every now and again. so, as it stands right now, I am single. and yes, I am nearing 30. which has to mean that there is something wrong with me, right? I'm not gonna begin to point you in the direction of all of the articles I have read recently that say "it's your fault that you're single" or something to that effect. *sigh*
moving on. the fact that I just dropped my classes for this semester tho?! man... I thought that I was going to die. it was too much for me. I was having some issues at work, along with everyday stresses and all of it just kinda caught up to me at the same time. one of the stresses had to be removed before I lost it, and school was the one that I could get away from. until the loan bills come thru, that is. maybe I'll get back on track in the Spring, or maybe I won't. shit. I'm just tryna figure all of this out while instilling good values and morals in my children and while maintaining some decency about myself. someone has to be a role model, right?
so, let's recap. I'm 28. I'm someone's baby momma. I live with someone who is like my mother. I'm not getting any. I'm single. and I have no degree. oh well. at the end of the day, I'm just me. one day, I'll have this all figured out, or not.
