sucks to be me right now.
I miss the attention, the phone calls, the "good morning" texts, the quality time, the jokes, the D... yeah, I said it LOL. but I wonder if I miss him or how he made me feel. I can't honestly say that I love(d) him because I'm not sure if I would be able to distinguish lust from a strong like or even love. the first person that I ever cared about did me dead wrong for years. it resulted in me backing away from emotional attachment with the next few fellas. my "flings" don't last more than several weeks. I think 7 weeks is my average. some don't make it past a couple of weeks (I guess I'm not giving it up as quickly as the next one) but this one that's got me trippin, lasted a year and some change. 15 months to be exact. I only kept up because this is the closest I've gotten to anyone in a really long time.
I talked about him in an earlier post. He was chocolate perfection. Actually, I didn't think he was that good-looking at first but feelings increase all levels of attraction and I found myself in awe of how beautiful he became to me. I strongly liked this man. he's grown, holds his own and took his time to try and figure me out. unfortunately I'm a lot more complex than I let on, and it didn't work. I kinda knew that it wouldn't for a while but I was hooked nonetheless and held on for as long as I could. I guess he did too. we were best friends. if something funny happened, we'd call each other first. if something bad happened, we'd call each other first. if there were good/bad news, we'd be the first to hear about it. he was genuinely happy for me when I got a new position and subsequently got another promotion/raise. however, he had been job hunting for the better part of a year and kept getting doors shut in his face. he had a job, but wanted something better. I re-did his resume, sent applications to every place of interest, and even wrote a 57-page (!) personal history statement for one of the positions that he wanted very badly. he has great references, extensive experience but, as I'm sure everyone will agree, now is not the best time to look for a job. he's always so secure and his swagger is on a hundred thousand trillion, but after a while his ego was starting to get bruised. when we talked about the progression of our relationship he once asked what the hell he could offer me... that hurt. he didn't realize that I had my own shit, that I could hold my own too. but that wasn't enough. there were several factors that led to our demise but that one probably hurt the most. I just wanted him, that was it, that was all.
the way he made me feel, the late-night convos, the back and forth advice, sharing our goals. his mama hugging me tight everytime she saw me. his nieces smiling at me, admiring me cause their mom is some shit. his nephew following me around the house smiling shyly at me whenever I'd peep him staring at me. his boys telling me how much they liked me and that I wasn't on the same bullshit as these other chicks. and him holding me telling me how great I was in every way possible. how good it felt to be with me and that he wouldn't let another take what he knew was good for him. how much he admired me. how much he appreciated me.
but it STILL wasn't enough. so I'm sitting at home lonely as hell on this lovely Saturday night. waiting for a text/phone call that's never gonna come. but not really. cause I'll get over it. cause I'm better than that. and if he couldn't see it, fuck him. and the next dude will be happy that that nigga let me go. but not yet, cause I'm still hurt... shit.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
worst dates ever part 1
ok, so this may not be the worst one ever but it definitely stands out the most. the worst part is that I had several with the same person; yeah, I'm hard-headed like that. anyway, I just read a post regarding someone's worst date ever and it made me shake my head at my own story.
so this guy is younger than me, and we grew up in the same neighborhood. if he is reading this, sorry but I promise I won't mention ur name LOL. anyhoo, we saw each other at a get-together for someone that we both know and he kept flirting with me. as the night went on and I got tipsier and tipsier, I started flirting back. a few days later, I saw something he posted on said mutual friend's page on FB and sent him a friend request. like I said, we already knew each other and I didn't mind flirting some more. so we hit it off, exchanged numbers and all that other good stuff.
so one time he tells me to come meet him at his mom's house in Wheaton. um, I live in DC. but I went anyway. so we're sitting in my car on a hot ass day and he says "hey, I would really like a slurpee", so I say "that's cool, let's go get some". we get up to 7-11 and, me being considerate of the fact that I make at least twice as much as he does, only get a small. he gets a medium and I grab a bag of chips. when I approach the register, he's reading a magazine and I advise him that it's not polite to read the magazines unless you are actually going to purchase it and he shrugs it off. he continues to read as they ring it all up and the cashier does indeed ask if he's going to purchase the damn magazine and he says no. the total is $3.66, several seconds creep by and no one moves. he finally opens his mouth, without looking up, and states "oh, she got it." shock is the only word i can think of to describe what I was experiencing at that very moment. not one to act a fool in public, I quietly opened my wallet and pulled out a $5 bill. the cashier, a chick, looks at me and shakes her head and says "no, he needs to pay for u". my mind screamed "yes! someone who agrees with my views!" I also felt a lil ashamed that someone else had to stand up for me but I digress. this fool finally looks up like "huh?" and the cashier continues, "you shouldn't make her pay for this, men should always pay". her co-worker (a guy) cracks a smile and says "no, sometimes the women can pay". finally, I chime in, "no, I agree. the guy should always pay." (especially since my dumb-ass drove all the way from DC, and we ridin' in my car but I try to be nice even when dealing with an a-hole) he shrugs it off again "I ain't got no money". because I refused to be humiliated any further in front of some strangers, I finally let the sh*t go and paid the damn $3.66... mutha-f-er... and he still wonders to this day why I don't call his cheap ass.
so this guy is younger than me, and we grew up in the same neighborhood. if he is reading this, sorry but I promise I won't mention ur name LOL. anyhoo, we saw each other at a get-together for someone that we both know and he kept flirting with me. as the night went on and I got tipsier and tipsier, I started flirting back. a few days later, I saw something he posted on said mutual friend's page on FB and sent him a friend request. like I said, we already knew each other and I didn't mind flirting some more. so we hit it off, exchanged numbers and all that other good stuff.
so one time he tells me to come meet him at his mom's house in Wheaton. um, I live in DC. but I went anyway. so we're sitting in my car on a hot ass day and he says "hey, I would really like a slurpee", so I say "that's cool, let's go get some". we get up to 7-11 and, me being considerate of the fact that I make at least twice as much as he does, only get a small. he gets a medium and I grab a bag of chips. when I approach the register, he's reading a magazine and I advise him that it's not polite to read the magazines unless you are actually going to purchase it and he shrugs it off. he continues to read as they ring it all up and the cashier does indeed ask if he's going to purchase the damn magazine and he says no. the total is $3.66, several seconds creep by and no one moves. he finally opens his mouth, without looking up, and states "oh, she got it." shock is the only word i can think of to describe what I was experiencing at that very moment. not one to act a fool in public, I quietly opened my wallet and pulled out a $5 bill. the cashier, a chick, looks at me and shakes her head and says "no, he needs to pay for u". my mind screamed "yes! someone who agrees with my views!" I also felt a lil ashamed that someone else had to stand up for me but I digress. this fool finally looks up like "huh?" and the cashier continues, "you shouldn't make her pay for this, men should always pay". her co-worker (a guy) cracks a smile and says "no, sometimes the women can pay". finally, I chime in, "no, I agree. the guy should always pay." (especially since my dumb-ass drove all the way from DC, and we ridin' in my car but I try to be nice even when dealing with an a-hole) he shrugs it off again "I ain't got no money". because I refused to be humiliated any further in front of some strangers, I finally let the sh*t go and paid the damn $3.66... mutha-f-er... and he still wonders to this day why I don't call his cheap ass.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
bettering myself?
so last year I made the decision to start school. start as in "the beginning of something". I have yet to seriously decide on a major (right now it's legal studies), and I am still not sure that it will truly make me better. Let me break this down real quick...
My salary is X; I have no degree, not even a real high school diploma, I have a GED and dropped out in 10th grade to have my second child. yeah... However, the Lord blessed me with a hunger for knowledge and I am definitely no dummy. My salary allows me to own a home, a car, pay bills on time, and my kids were able to go to a private school for all of their elementary years (with little to no help from Dad, it varies from time to time). I am truly blessed :) I don't make a whole lot, but it's enough for us.
Moving on to my decision to earn a degree. I made the decision based on several factors. 1. I wanted to give a good example to my children; if I can make it, anyone can. 2. I want to keep moving up in the world. 3. I want to keep learning. Those are the ones I can think of right off the top. I figured that financial aid would cut me a hefty check, being a single mom and all, right? wrong. Slowly but surely I have begun accumulating debt, but it's for a good cause tho, right? wrong, well maybe. So my current major will enable me to become a paralegal which, starting out, will only pay me about 8k more than what I make now. Math was never my favorite subject, but let's see: I'm going to school part-time for maybe 6 years out of my life(best case scenario), take out about 10k in loans each year for tuition, spend hundreds more on books and materials so that can make 8k more a year??? um, I don't think so. the Judge that I work with everyday keeps pressing me to go all out and go to law school. That's the only way that this thing will benefit me in the end. The flip side of that is that a million and one residents in the District have a law degree. womp, womp, womp.
So, to be or not to be (a college grad)?
My salary is X; I have no degree, not even a real high school diploma, I have a GED and dropped out in 10th grade to have my second child. yeah... However, the Lord blessed me with a hunger for knowledge and I am definitely no dummy. My salary allows me to own a home, a car, pay bills on time, and my kids were able to go to a private school for all of their elementary years (with little to no help from Dad, it varies from time to time). I am truly blessed :) I don't make a whole lot, but it's enough for us.
Moving on to my decision to earn a degree. I made the decision based on several factors. 1. I wanted to give a good example to my children; if I can make it, anyone can. 2. I want to keep moving up in the world. 3. I want to keep learning. Those are the ones I can think of right off the top. I figured that financial aid would cut me a hefty check, being a single mom and all, right? wrong. Slowly but surely I have begun accumulating debt, but it's for a good cause tho, right? wrong, well maybe. So my current major will enable me to become a paralegal which, starting out, will only pay me about 8k more than what I make now. Math was never my favorite subject, but let's see: I'm going to school part-time for maybe 6 years out of my life(best case scenario), take out about 10k in loans each year for tuition, spend hundreds more on books and materials so that can make 8k more a year??? um, I don't think so. the Judge that I work with everyday keeps pressing me to go all out and go to law school. That's the only way that this thing will benefit me in the end. The flip side of that is that a million and one residents in the District have a law degree. womp, womp, womp.
So, to be or not to be (a college grad)?
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
I'm doin' me!
If you've ever had a real convo with me, you should know that I am a HUGE fan of relationships. Romantic, Familial, Friendship, you name it. I often wonder what makes them end, I mainly wonder why mine end. I recently broke things off with someone that I adored. I loved almost everything about him, and the things that I didn't, I looked past them because I wanted him and the relationship (there wasn't anything major, just dumb stuff that he needed to learn LOL). Anyhoo, we had it going on and then *record stops* and I'm dumbfounded, wondering what the hell happened. So it seems that Mr. Almost Perfect finally recognized that he didn't want to be in a relationship, he still wanted to fly solo. That's all well and good but did it really take you over a year and some change to figure this out? According to the words out of his own mouth I was his ace boon koon, he would never let me go and lose the one thing in his life that he KNEW was good for him. He was my bestie and I was his. The connection was super intense from the jump but alas, it wasn't meant to be. One thing I won't do is knowingly share my boo (no matter how serious or not), so I decided to bounce; no need to beat around the bush, it is what it is.
In the past few weeks in the midst of my pity party, I realized that I was becoming one of those weak broads that I always criticize. I decided that I was not going to let it go any further! If that fool couldn't see what he had in me, then that's his loss. I'm not going to sit around and try and figure what's wrong with me. As a matter of fact, there is NOTHING wrong with me! God made me perfectly imperfect! Just like he did everyone else. I have other qualities that weigh out my imperfections, but he couldn't look past mine the way I did his. Don't get me wrong, I know that there is plenty of room for growth but overall I'm a great person. I happen to like myself very much :)
And so my journey begins... I've made the decision that for the next year I will spend time with me (whenever I can, I am a mom afterall) and with the Lord. Seriously, how can I commit to anyone if I can't commit to myself or to Him first? Plus at this point, I don't think that I could handle all the extra foolishness that comes with meeting someone new. Y'all know how it is, and more importantly I refuse to add another one of these dudes to my list. Yeah, THAT list, the secret one that us chicks never talk about LOL. Wish me luck...
In the past few weeks in the midst of my pity party, I realized that I was becoming one of those weak broads that I always criticize. I decided that I was not going to let it go any further! If that fool couldn't see what he had in me, then that's his loss. I'm not going to sit around and try and figure what's wrong with me. As a matter of fact, there is NOTHING wrong with me! God made me perfectly imperfect! Just like he did everyone else. I have other qualities that weigh out my imperfections, but he couldn't look past mine the way I did his. Don't get me wrong, I know that there is plenty of room for growth but overall I'm a great person. I happen to like myself very much :)
And so my journey begins... I've made the decision that for the next year I will spend time with me (whenever I can, I am a mom afterall) and with the Lord. Seriously, how can I commit to anyone if I can't commit to myself or to Him first? Plus at this point, I don't think that I could handle all the extra foolishness that comes with meeting someone new. Y'all know how it is, and more importantly I refuse to add another one of these dudes to my list. Yeah, THAT list, the secret one that us chicks never talk about LOL. Wish me luck...
WELCOME
Welcome to my blog! I've been wanting to do this for a while now but hadn't really found the time to get started. I felt pushed once more after reading one of my girlfriend's posts this morning. Anyhoo, bare with me as I vent about some of the craziness that my life consists of... most of my stories will be funny (since I hardly take anything too seriously), some will be sad, some will be unbelievable (as I swear some of this stuff only happens to me!!!) but I hope to learn lessons along the way and teach my children so that they won't have to trip as much as I do...
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