Going thru withdrawals

sucks to be me right now.

I miss the attention, the phone calls, the "good morning" texts, the quality time, the jokes, the D... yeah, I said it LOL. but I wonder if I miss him or how he made me feel. I can't honestly say that I love(d) him because I'm not sure if I would be able to distinguish lust from a strong like or even love. the first person that I ever cared about did me dead wrong for years. it resulted in me backing away from emotional attachment with the next few fellas. my "flings" don't last more than several weeks. I think 7 weeks is my average. some don't make it past a couple of weeks (I guess I'm not giving it up as quickly as the next one) but this one that's got me trippin, lasted a year and some change. 15 months to be exact. I only kept up because this is the closest I've gotten to anyone in a really long time.

I talked about him in an earlier post. He was chocolate perfection. Actually, I didn't think he was that good-looking at first but feelings increase all levels of attraction and I found myself in awe of how beautiful he became to me. I strongly liked this man. he's grown, holds his own and took his time to try and figure me out. unfortunately I'm a lot more complex than I let on, and it didn't work. I kinda knew that it wouldn't for a while but I was hooked nonetheless and held on for as long as I could. I guess he did too. we were best friends. if something funny happened, we'd call each other first. if something bad happened, we'd call each other first. if there were good/bad news, we'd be the first to hear about it. he was genuinely happy for me when I got a new position and subsequently got another promotion/raise. however, he had been job hunting for the better part of a year and kept getting doors shut in his face. he had a job, but wanted something better. I re-did his resume, sent applications to every place of interest, and even wrote a 57-page (!) personal history statement for one of the positions that he wanted very badly. he has great references, extensive experience but, as I'm sure everyone will agree, now is not the best time to look for a job. he's always so secure and his swagger is on a hundred thousand trillion, but after a while his ego was starting to get bruised. when we talked about the progression of our relationship he once asked what the hell he could offer me... that hurt. he didn't realize that I had my own shit, that I could hold my own too. but that wasn't enough. there were several factors that led to our demise but that one probably hurt the most. I just wanted him, that was it, that was all.

the way he made me feel, the late-night convos, the back and forth advice, sharing our goals. his mama hugging me tight everytime she saw me. his nieces smiling at me, admiring me cause their mom is some shit. his nephew following me around the house smiling shyly at me whenever I'd peep him staring at me. his boys telling me how much they liked me and that I wasn't on the same bullshit as these other chicks. and him holding me telling me how great I was in every way possible. how good it felt to be with me and that he wouldn't let another take what he knew was good for him. how much he admired me. how much he appreciated me.

but it STILL wasn't enough. so I'm sitting at home lonely as hell on this lovely Saturday night. waiting for a text/phone call that's never gonna come. but not really. cause I'll get over it. cause I'm better than that. and if he couldn't see it, fuck him. and the next dude will be happy that that nigga let me go. but not yet, cause I'm still hurt... shit.